The one where Rachel sucks

download

F.R.I.E.N.D.S is that one show, that brilliant sitcom, that funny timeless sitcom that has just enough feels to keep you coming back for more. (Don’t mind if I do) I have watched Friends countless times (I say countless ‘cos if I DID count the times I have watched it, it would probably be an embarrassing number of times) and each time I am reminded why it is so close to my heart. I have written another post about Friends HERE.

All that mushy stuff being said, there is a BUT, with me there is always a BUT(T), the last few episodes I watched made me realise that Rachel is a self centered BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! Especially towards the end of season 4 and through season 5.

tumblr_m8n0jx3yMg1rsmws3o1_500

You know it!

SPOILER ALERT (You know, for if you are one of those unfortunates who have not had the privilege, nay, the honour, of watching Friends, and you still want to watch it, then take a few months and watch it before reading further)

Here’s why I say Rachel is a BEEP BEEP… yeah ok. Bitch: End of S04 Phoebe is muchos pregnant and can’t go with the others to London for Ross’ wedding. After getting an invite from Ross (which, you know, is a bad idea) Rachel decides to stay in NYC to “look after Phoebe” as going to Ross’ wedding would just be too painful. I can’t stress enough at HOW PREGNANT Phoebe actually is… she’s carrying triplets people, TRIPLETS!!! In fact she is so close to popping that in S05 a few days after the others are back from London she goes into freakin labour… THAT PREGNANT!

main-qimg-7686c950a1835b92efff3cfb678bb969-c

THIS PREGNANT!!! Balancing cereal on your belly level pregnant. 

Anyway, back to end of S04, Phoebe marvels at how well Rachel is handling Ross getting married, what with being in love with him and all. Then Rachel has this mini freakout at Phoebe, for not telling her that she (Rachel?!) is in love with Dr Dino. Really? So longish story short, Rachel packs a bag and fucks right off to London, leaving Phoebe’s very VERY pregnant ass at home, to go tell Ross (who is getting married) that she loves him, because “then he can make a decision having all the information”. Shitty friend move 1.

jih8vaidxpe4lmjuhpuk

What an idiot!

So, she doesn’t actually TELL Ross she loves him, so points to her there, BUT(T) after he says HER name at the altar instead of his fiance’s (which is exponentially worse that shouting out the wrong name in the throws of passion) and both Ross and Rachel end up at the airport, one waiting to go home and the other waiting for wifey to go on honeymoon, Ross (like a dipshit) asks Rachel to go on his honeymoon with him, you know as a friend, and she says no… Yeah right… that would mean shes not a bitch. She says yes!! Honestly, woman!!! Shitty person move 2.

Rachel goes to Greece alone, (cos wifey shows up just as they are about to go through and Ross runs after her) comes back and pretends that going alone was great. When wifey gives Dino-man an ultimatum: she’ll move to USA if Ross never sees Rachel again and Ross agrees, tells Rachel, she flips out. As if she didn’t plan to tell him she loved him on.his.wedding.day and as if Ross didn’t say her name at the altar on.his.wedding.day! Fast forward to the inevitable demise of Ross and wifey’s marriage, Rachel wastes zero time trying to get in there. Shitty friend/person move 3.

Ok, lets have a look a bit earlier in S04 where Ross announces his engagement, Rachel lies about the intensity of her and JoshUAH’s relationship, proposes to Joshua (who’s own divorce isn’t even final yet) and ultimately drives him away all because she has to save face. Shitty person move 4.

Actually, as a collection of friends who, at this point have been close friends for at least 5 years, they SUCK at being good friends. For instance Rachel comes back and Phoebe doesn’t even give her a stern talking to, you know, friend to friend, for just leaving her alone all pregnant and what not! Monica is the only one who attempts to talk sense into Rachel when she’s freaking out about Ross saying her name,  but lets be real it was with minimum effort. I would have clothes lined the shit out of Rachel as soon as I saw her trying to ruin another friend’s wedding. Joey had one job, look out for Rachel and stop her… but he gets distracted by boobs, Chandler is too busy chasing Monica ass to think anywhere north of his belt. It’s like none of these Friends really have each other’s backs. So a collective shitty friends move 5.

Anything Rachel related that you can think of?

 

The Perfect Family

Modern Family - Series 06

Have you ever thought, what makes the perfect family? HINT: It’s not Modern family, although they are pretty great. Parents who are involved with their children’s lives? Children who do not rebel? Aunts and uncles who just know when to not bring that annoying friend of their cousin along to family braais? Parents who aren’t divorced? Grandparents who aren’t dead? (I know you were thinking it)

No, all of those things are great, but the perfect family is one that has all of the following:

A mechanic: (Unless you are a family of Amish) Everyone that owns a car will know the dread that fills you when your first service comes along and you have to form out hard earned cash to keep that car going smoothly. Or you’re merrily driving along and BAM the engine falls out. Que, the greasy uncle with the plumber but. Cheap quality fix. Sorted.

An electrician/plumber: If you are lucky (and don’t live in a rural area in a third world country) you have running water as well as electricity in your house. You also know what a bitch it is when either of those give you problems.

A high school maths teacher: Extra math lessons are so expensive and tutoring even more so. Why not have an in house teacher that can lighten the burden. Maths is a brilliant subject and society would have you believe otherwise. Rather have it be a teacher that has a passion for the craft, if they are just doing it for the money (nevermind, we all know teachers in SA don’t get paid enough to only teach for the money – Which is a damn shame by the way. These folks are shaping young minds into the future leaders… Maybe if a certain leader had a teacher who got paid a decent salary this leader would have learned something and not left school). I say highschool maths because as far as I can remember, high school maths was all inclusive. It dealt with the foundations of every kind of maths that you might get exposed to. Hey I might be wrong, but if I had a maths teacher in my family I would know better. (Kidding… slightly)

A doctor/dentist: Having a check-up at both of these are crazy expensive. Unfortunately there are just some times where going to the Doc is unavoidable. Apparently one should visit the dentist at least once a year. No one says what the protocol is for if you have great teeth already… anyway.

On that note – A veterinary doctor: Cos if something happened to Mr Whiskerson you would not know how to cope. Animal care is expensive, even just a check-up cos that cute new kitten is throwing up and not eating at all, and you just can’t think about the kitten dying.

A massage therapist: The world is seemingly stressful. We sit in traffic all day to go to a job where our deadlines are overlapping each other to come home and worry about our children’s math grades and have to fix our cousin’s car. Does this one need further explanation?

A hairdresser: Hair grows… duh. Having someone in the family that can tame your mane would save you so much money. Even if your hairdresser is cheap, you would need to fork out money every month or at the least every 2 months for a haircut.

An accountant/CA: Who else is going to do the taxes for all these folks, or advise them on what would be the best discount to give their fellow family members because of their various services? This is more a business opportunity that anything else, so many working people in one family, it just makes sense.

A pilot: This is panning out to be a big family, and reunions are expensive. One pilot family member with a plane and bam!!

A lawyer: Big family like this, there is bound to be at least one unruly cousin that needs legal representation. Or, Aunty Pilot landed on a highway because saying “I will turn this thing around” does not work in mid-air so you gotta ground that bitch to get your point across.

Lastly, a housing developer: This has to be a close knit family that live close to each other. The housing developer can build them their own little community. Sorted.

Reason I say family is because family has a certain obligation to help family, especially when they know that they can’t NOT help their cousin with their car since that cousin is giving them free haircuts. With friends there is no real sense of obligation, also, friends have their own demands from their own family.

 

Declare

The power of life and death lies in the tongue.                                                       Proverbs 18:21

We hear that piece of scripture many times, we swear and somewhere out of the dust this old ass granny jumps out and quotes good ol’ Sols’ words as if she wrote them herself. Your annoying sibling distracts you while you are concentrating on placing that jenga block just so, and it all smashes down and you call him an eeeedjit and granny, again, rises from the mist and dust to proverb the proverb to you. You KNOW the verse (and if you are me, you know it in 2 languages). But do we know what it means? Sure we know what the words mean, and we know that life is good and death is bad. We catch a glimpse of the meaning when granny tells you to stop saying “I am so stupid” or something along those lines. “Don’t declare that over yourself”

I recently caught the meaning in a big way. We make declarations in church when we give tithes and offerings. I know the one off by heart already:

declaration

 

In this year alone I have received a better job, a bonus, an inheritance in the form of a car, debts have been paid off, expenses have decreased. Yes, sometimes I don’t pay attention when we do the corporate declaration, but I believe that God pays attention every time. And He’s like, ”I’m gonna honour you, as you are honouring me with your offering and tithes.”

It is good to have declarations in your life, when you feel like shit as you open your eyes in the morning, you declare the opposite, you declare that “Today is going to be a good day”, when you feel like you just can’t cope and you are buckling under the pressure you lean onto the Word and declare “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” for the power of life and death does truly lie in the tongue.

Rough

Today marks the day 4 months ago that I changed my life… Yes I (with grace and mercy from God) changed my life. It can happen, I hear there is a recipe. Something about a ton of risk, a basket of support, a pot load of faith and a dash of blindly following a path that is not lit up for much further ahead. Moer all that together and you get where I am right now. 4 Months into doing a clerkship as a trainee accountant. Now, lemme tell you if your oven isn’t hot enough or there is more walking blindly than there is support and faith then this whoooooole thing will flop like a souffle.

grose_koalition-souffle

Not as effective as in the movies where everyone holds their breath in fear of the inside sinking in… and then it does. 

Now this is not just some cut and dry, smack it all together and you got yourself a full blown CA thing. Nooooo-o-o this is meticulously run by SAICA (South African Institute of Chartered Accountants) who, in addition to your employer, you sign a contract with also. They monitor your growth in different fields over a period of 5 years, in addition to that, if you happen to be one of the lucky clerks to land a job whilst still studying, they require that you perform well in your studies also. The pressure is not so bad, but then again, I’m not even at the half year mark sooo we will talk again in 2 years maybe.

giphy

Its been 4 months and I don’t know kung fu yet…

What I will say is that my brain has been hurting for the last 4 months, there is so much to learn and so much to apply. I get frustrated most days because of how slowly I seem to be taking the information in, but on the plus side, the studies and the clerkship go hand in hand. Which is great. The work and the studies also doesn’t get any easier, your brain just grows and you become smarter.

My point, if you can make sense of this whole post, is that it really is never to late to change the course of your life. I am 28 now. I will be 33 when I finish my articles (that’s what it’s called, this 5 years training program) and after that I have the option to write CA board exams and be an actual CA. This is after CTA (honours), of course. All in all, if I really put foot and study and work hard, I could be a CA by the age of 36. Late bloomer some might say, I say, rough diamond… Diamonds are formed over a long period of time under extreme conditions.

6a0120a61b56ed970c015436946653970c-500wi

Last point, don’t be upset that your life is not going anywhere if you refuse to make any changes, and don’t let people tell you that you can’t change your life, that you are too old. I had to learn this the hard way!

Things you aren’t told when you chose to study part time

 

I may or may not have posted about this already and might again in the future. Ready yourself for that reality.

When I first decided I want to study, I went onto the website of the university that has long-distance learning options and looked at the degree that I figured would be a good fit. Looked at what it might cost, looked at my salary, saw that it’s kinda do-able with a squeeze and jumped right in.

CaveofSwallows-CourtesyVisitMexico

Have you seen Point Break, the new one? That sky to earth thing… that’s what it feels like. 

Then I found out that you need application money, and a bulk amount up front called registration fees. Yes, this covers about half of each module you take, meaning it varies, it also varies depending on your choice in degree… discriminate much?? Anyway, lucky for me I have gracious friends who donated cash towards my future. I call it an investment. Even with that generous donation, it is still tough to have the money for each semester.

HINT: If you work full time and study part time (because you are a grown ass person who’s folks don’t pay for your shit), do yourself a favour and transfer a portion of your salary to the university account every month. This way when the new semester swings around you aren’t looking for the best corners to strut your stuff because you gotta put yourself through school. In all honesty, strippers do make a lot of money but if you work during the day and strip at night when do you study?

open-textbook-panel-presentation-open-access-week-sfu-harbour-centre-3-638

Interesting infographic about textbook costs.

Another hidden cost which should be obvious and not able to bite you in the ass but it does because you don’t think about it (breathe) is text book costs. Doesn’t matter what you study, there will be prescribed text books that you need in order to pass your modules. Budget for those, overstate the costs so that you aren’t caught with your pants down. (Who started that saying anyway? And why the heck did the person have their pants down? Also, how long does it take to pull said pants up if you were caught with them down?)

HINT: Find a pre-loved text book place. Facebook is a good place for this kinda stuff. Amazon also has some second-hand books but they are kinda more expensive. Alternatively, find someone who studied what you are studying now and along with making new friends or networking, ask them if they have the text book you need. Definitely save for this also, create a TEXTBOOKS savings account that you can transfer a portion of you salary into.

127480a211a1263a9f37a64fb31b549e

Lastly, for now… Tutoring, unfortunately this is not one you can always know you will need and also, not every student needs tutelage just like not every degree is equally difficult for each student. But I would advise that if you are doing a BCom BSc or some form of Maths/Engineering degree, budget for tutelage. Rather go to a tutor and pay some money to them than fail the module, pay double for it AND then pay for additional tutelage also.

HINT: Best thing I have realised is to just find a job in your chosen field of study. Nothing teaches you faster than on the job training. Unfortunately there are not many careers that offer some form of clerkship/internship that you can do while studying. I find that SAICA clerkships are brilliant as you are surrounded by clerks who are at different levels of studying and they all have notes and wisdom that you could get from them. All you gots ta do is ask!

tumblr_mag6yti3Cv1re9hfvo1_500

Anything that I missed?

Dear South African clothing manufacturers

Isn’t the entire aim of your store to make people feel good, to make women – target market – feel good? I might only be speaking for one female here (also, I don’t like shopping sooo this is not a biased opinion at all) but there are MANY issues with the clothes that can be found in the reasonably priced stores. Reasonably priced as in Mr Price to Woolworths… and all the inbetweeners.

I have listed a few of the grievances that I have, not all because I couldn’t find a publisher for the book… yeah, that many:

  1. Why, for the love of sausages and mash, do you not have a LONG range? Except for you, Woolworths (but you should listen up also because your LONG is like it’s made for a tall dwarf). Lemme tell you, there is no good feeling when you put on a pair of pants that kinda fit around your waist (See section 2 about this) but when you look down you see the mass of half a calf and an ankle between your shoe and the pants leg. So you are forced to take a larger size that makes the crotch hang down by your knees and makes it look like you are wearing a pair of badly tailored harem pants. And even then the legs are just not long enough.

FIX IT!!! Make a freakin extra long range if you must, but fix it! South African people are taller than the average so please, I ask you, FIX IT!

Oh and FYI sometimes I have to wear men’s pants… just saying!

 

  1. While we are on the pants thing, let’s talk about ass! Big asses to be exact. Seems like Levi’s had the right idea when they came out with the Curve ID thing, but honestly, do they think this is enough?Presentation1 Also, Levi’s are expensive. Ek is ‘n arm blanke! Also, do these folks who cater for the African Booty think that African women are short? Or only tall enough to get a 34? My inner leg is 36 inches… 36. That is not counting my big African booty! I am blessed cursed, no it’s blessed, with long legs and a big ass. I’m black from the waist down, (It’s a song, that is not so PG… Listen here)!! Surely there should be something that fits. But no, not in South Africa. I have resorted to wearing clothes that my mom sends me from the UK because there, LONG actually means something. Can you imagine, the UK caters more for tall people than South Africa does and on average SA’s women are taller than the UK’s. Well done UK, well done.

Again, FIX IT!

  1. Work shirts, long sleeve shirts, jerseys, cardigans… anything that one wears in the winter that one would expect to be long enough to cover that little bone on the side of your wrist. These things are often too short, I don’t have such an issue with this as with the pants but it’s an issue none the less. Working shirts have baggy sleeves if they are long enough. Why do you assume that tall or long limbed people have fat limbs? Or are fat? Come on man!! Then sometimes I find something that the sleeves are great and then the actual body of the damn thing is too short. I do not want a work shirt that can double as a naval revealer! If you know what I mean. I also can’t wear those long long shirts because, again my ass is too big and it’s like you guys only catered for the planks among us. Pear shapes exist!
pear-06

At least the fruit has skin that fits… Ya know whatta mean?

You know it’s coming… FIX IT!

  1. All that being said, what is with the ugly stuff that you DO make for larger than life people? It’s like you only make nice clothes for smaller less scary folks!

Maybe, just maybe we are scary because you only make clothes that make us look like serial killers. We have gone through the mass of stores only to come out with a scarf cos it’s the only thing that actually fits. This makes us walk around in a thunder cloud wearing an oversized pair of sweat pants, found in the men’s department, a hoody that is usually warn by a slumped over S shape teenager (there is space to steal stuff) and this lovely scarf with the woven in shades of teal and brown. That’s why we are scary!!!

American Gladiators

“Hellga”, she’s 6’1″ tall and weighs 210lbs… in the rest of the non USA world that means she is 1.85m tall and weighs 95kg. Basically me!

Fix it, fix it all!

Sincerely,

White girl with a  black girl’s ass… and long legs.

Owning an interview like a boss!

I think recently landing a new job qualifies me as an expert in nailing an interview. So in my EXPERT opinion, here are some pointers that I have not seen anywhere else during my research on how to do well in an interview.

interview-pic

“Yes, we are judging you”

  1. Make sure you have no eye gunk (that stuff that collects during the night in the corner of your eye), it’s gross and distracting.
  2. If you need to fart, keep it in. Seriously, don’t trust that it will be silent. And you better know that even if it is silent, that thing could clear a funeral home out.
  3. Don’t eat a ton of garlic on your pizza the night before. Same goes for fish. (who eats fish on pizza anyways?) Just trust me on this one… You will smell like an Italian kitchen or those dodgy fish markets. It seeps through your sweat gland things on your skin. Just. NO!
  4. Under no circumstances should you ask your interviewer what his/her zodiac sign is and it is NEVER okay to yell “SAMESIES” when they do answer with your sign. (To be honest, who still cares about star signs??)
  5. Same goes for asking the interviewer where they are from.
  6. Actually, just don’t ever use the word SAMESIES in an interview. EVER!!!
  7. Interviewers find it really distracting when you wipe the snot you spent 2 minutes digging out your nose, under the chair. Also, don’t yell “We’ve struck gold” when you finally get it out. It’s disconcerting.
  8. This goes without saying, but never EAT said snot. (Keep it for later)
  9. Don’t stand up in the middle of the interview and start pacing up and down with your hands behind your back. This is not a boxing ring. Sit down, son!
  10. When your coffee arrives, don’t take out your flask to ‘spice it up’, at least offer the interviewer some. He/she has to sit in there with your snot eating ass. If they decline, don’t remind them that it’s past noon somewhere in the world.
  11. Don’t take your shoes off mid-interview and ask their opinion on the toe fungus that you have had for the last few months after your trip to find the lost city of Atlantis.
  12. Don’t whip out photos of your pets or children unless asked to do so. Do not ask your interviewer if you could come visit to see their exotic collection of Amazonian tree ants either.
  13. It is frowned upon to take out a picnic basket and start eating cold meats and bread with stinky cheese during an interview. Even if you offered some to the interviewer.
  14. Words or phrases like yoh, swag, dude, bro, bruh, my niggah, gangsta, dope, dawg, trippin’ etc are not proper interview terminology. Do not walk into the interview room and say “Nigga, you trippin’, these offices are dope. I could hang here” You are not Fiddy Cent, neither are you in a Bad Boys movie. (How cool would it be if you were either?)
  15. Do not stare unblinkingly into your interviewer’s eyes. Also, don’t lick your lips or take out a knife while doing so. (Calm down Dexter) Interviewers scare easily!
interview1

“I could stab you in the eye with my glasses!!!”

I hope you can benefit from these pointers.

Always remember to be yourself, unless you suck, then be someone else.

Peace out, homie!

Removing Nice from Your Vocabulary 

I do not usually reblog, I might have to work on that, but Megan over at Wise Ass Life Coaching is funny as all heck and THIS post of hers is mint!! Go read her blog!

The Wiseass Life Coach

I will never claim to be the best at speaking (or writing) eloquently but inhale a linguistic pet peeve I Would very much like to discuss with you. There is an overused four letter word that is driving me fucking bananas.

The word is nice.

If I were to ask you what nice meant you’d be like “um, uh, it’s like nice,you know,” because typically we’re not using the word nice a synonym of pleasant, which is it’s primary definition.

Collectively, let’s work on changing the way we describe things, be a little more succinct. To aid you in this progression toward enlighten discriptions I have listed some common phrases and alternatives for those common phrases and their various inflections below.

He’s a nice guy.

  1. He’s a less than impressive man but there is nothing specifically wrong with him.
  2. He’s a bit of a weirdo.
  3. He’s good enough for…

View original post 168 more words

Traffic madness: 5 Ways to deal

No matter who you are, you have probably at one point or another been stuck in traffic that seems like it is not going anywhere. For some of you it takes only about 30 minutes to get home and calm down. For the other not so blessed individuals, they are stuck for hours, going at a snail’s pace, to AND from work. Stuck behind the same old cranked up car! To be honest, no job is worth hours of traffic but that’s just me. As I sat in traffic today for about an hour (thank GOD, I was not the driver) I found myself, and my very short attention span, trying to find something to keep myself busy with.

Here then,  are 5 ways to deal with big city traffic… small town people who say that waiting at the ONE traffic light in the main street for 5 minutes longer is hectic traffic, go away! Your cows need a-milkin’!!

344408_v1

1. Math brain
In primary school my maths teacher said that to boost our time’s table skills we should use the number plates of a car while we are going to and from school eg. If the number plate looks like this (Gauteng – SA) XCB 543 GP then you tdo 5 x 4, 5 x 3 and 4 x 3… simple easy stuff. 14 years later I still find myself doing that, thanks Teach! So try that one. What I have also started doing is working out what the first 2 numbers times the last one would be eg. 54 x 3. You know, keep that grey matter on its toes and what not!!

2. Count cars
If you now have the counting stars song stuck in your head… you. are. welcome!Also when I was very young, and I used to go to work with my mom, I used to count how many little VW beetles I saw on the road. Usually, it would be a “Punch buggy black” moment as a fist connects with arm flesh but, my mom punched me back after almost crashing the car so I quickly stopped that and ended up just counting them. My mom is still against the punch buggy idea… such a buzz kill. Nowadays, there are way less old VW beetles on the road so this game would be boring AF. That is why now, I now count how many luxury cars I see. And by luxury cars, I don’t mean Lambo’s and Ferrari’s. South Africa is a 3rd world nation, dear reader, look it up… we don’t have enough to count in one traffic sitting. I would count the fancy BMW’s, Merc’s, Audi’s… and I would get double points for a Lambo, Ferrari, Maserati etc.

Kanye-West-Lamborghini-matte-3

I have yet to see one of these… but as it is Kanye West’s, he probably sold it to get rid of some of that debt. AS IF!

3. People judging watching
One of my personal favorites, in and out of traffic. Preferably in a mall with a cup of coffee and an equally judgmental friend with whom to compare notes. In a car this is also fun, you do end up talking to yourself. But hey, who will know? I do that all the time anyway. No one understands me like I do, and even I struggle.

Anyway, with the judging I try and see how many cellphone users I see, and then in my own passive aggressive way I will try and indicate to them that they should not be on their phone… they never listen. Or, like today, I spotted a lady digging for diamonds, so far up her nose, she could change her mind manually. Thank goodness, I wasn’t driving because I was as interested as her, as to what was gonna come out. Then as she pulled her finger out her nose, I claimed a small victory in shouting out “TO THE MOUTH” and seconds later she put that same finger in her mouth, making sure to get every last morsel. Well done lady, well done! Oh, and I will not apologise for the snotty comment, a-thank you.

Picking-nose01

Surely more diamonds are not needed, Highney!

4. Day dream about the other drivers
Yeah, I might be alone on this one but, I imagine what lives the fellow traffic sitters have. OR I make up the conversations they might be having. I form whole lives and 50 year back stories for these folks, what jobs, families and friends they have. I also feel the slight tug of abandonment when they exit the traffic and don’t even wave goodbye. We drove for how long in the same traffic and you don’t even say goodbye, asshole! Again, this might only be me!

5. Listen
There are these amazing motivational talks available on YouTube, get them and play them while you drive. The one up top here is 2 hours long… loads of listening time!! This stuff pumps you up and gets you fired up for work. Granted there is a lot of swearing but, you are reading my blog so yeah, I think you can handle the swearing. If you don’t need motivation or can’t handle the swearing, then get some audio books. If that is still not your flavour then (with the use of a handsfree kit, DO NOT TALK OR TEXT ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING) phone a friend and have a lekker chat. (WhatsApp calls are cheap and the lag will add to the time consumption).

Use the traffic as a way of winding down after work, so that you don’t have to do that when you get while devouring that pizza because “I was in traffic all day, I deserve this for not killing everyone!!”

Anything you do while stuck in traffic?

Defusing the Office-bomb: 10 Pointers

As an office manager (of some sorts) and a person*, I feel I am in a position to give advice on the inner workings of the office environment. I also like to think that I am succeeding at being a likeable human being, for the most part. I have not heard any accounts to the contrary, maybe that’s because the ones who do not like me, are scared of me. I jest… kinda!

Anyway, to the matter at hand. I have seen and heard way too many accounts of office politics and I have to say, surely we should have left our hair-pulling, shin-kicking and gossiping ways on the PRIMARY (for the ‘Murican readers – Elementary School) school playground? Surely, if you work in an office you should have the ability to talk things out as a grown up, take the emotional punches as a grown up and you know, carry on with life without a grudge AS. A. GROWN. UP?

Here are some pointers that I would give, mahala, to anyone who is entering into the world of boring cubicles and crabby people. If, however you feel that you want to carry on with your childish behaviour, then please take your negative ass away from my blog and complain about the “vibe at the coffee machine” to someone else.

1. If you are wrong, OWN THE EFF UP TO IT!!!
A lot of times in a working environment the tensions are high and something goes wrong. Someone made a boo-boo and someone has to take the blame. If that is you, the one who made a boo-boo and who consequently has to take the blame [JUSTICE IS SERVED], then please for the love of sausages and mash, zip your howling screamer* and take the blame. If you messed up, take the punch like a man, or woman. A lot of times the managers are trying to figure out HOW the mess was made, to try and reverse it, or trace the steps, rather than WHY it was made. You, trying to bullshit your way out of it is in many cases stalling the inevitable and making yourself look way more incompetent than you might be. Spare everyone and just take it. Rub some dirt on it, be a man!* If you made a mistake, please don’t let someone else take the fall for it! Miss Karma knows where the heck you live!

2. At all times, know EVERYTHING about your contract of employment, and what your country’s laws of employment are.
There are too many people who do not know the terms of their contract, or even if they HAVE a contract. Shockingly there are even more people who don’t know the laws of the land regarding employment. Knowledge is the potential of power. [I know that’s not the actual quote but I like that one more]. Also, don’t sign a contract that you have not read thoroughly and do not understand. Don’t be a sheep!! Technically sheep can’t read or sign a contract, but you get what I’m saying.

This little hint might save you some heartache or tension in the future. Things like how many hours of work a week is legal as opposed to what your contract states. Also, if you find out that you signed for something in your contract that differs from the law of the land, then you can’t always dispute it. READ!! That’s why you went to school!

3. Have the ability to separate work relationships from personal relationships.
A lot of times we start building friendships around the office, it’s understandable. We spend a crap load of time at work. You need to be able to separate your beer drinking relationship from the report sending relationship that you have. Don’t let the way your manager treated you because you didn’t hand in the report on time, even though you both have a hangover from the previous night of drinking beers together, influence the way you feel about or act towards them at the next beer drinking night. Unless you already don’t like them then, FUEL THE FIRE!! I joke, don’t do that.

4. COMMUNICATE!!
I don’t know why I even have to put this one in here as a tip for better office whatnots. This is Foundational Human Behavioural Tips 101 [Book to be released soon]. Communicate! If you are going to be late for work due to Godzilla ripping up the bridge, let your boss know, take a photo and snapchat that baby, get rich and retire. If you are feeling ill, had an accident of the vehicle variety [or the soiled pants variety, you never know] then let the relevant people know that you are either not going to be able to come in or request to go home. This is so basic, always keep an open line of communication with your colleagues [I ALWAYS have to spell check that dang word]. If you have a problem at work with someone, then talk about it with them. On that note…

5. Do not gossip XOXO
PEOPLE, for the love of Deadpool [sidenote: GO SEE THE MOVIE!!] please do not gossip about your, friends, colleagues [Again with the spell check… one day I will spell this word without having to spell check] especially bosses at or away from the office with a fellow colleague [Hmf, so close]. Do not entertain it, do not get involved in it, it’s like that booger sugar [Cocaine according to Kevin Hart] thing, one sniff and you are hooked. I know you totally want to know what the heck the idiot down in accounts did now, but DON’T! If you have beef with someone, don’t gossip about them. Even if you don’t have beef with someone, gossiping about them, or even being around people who are gossiping about them, is sure to bring a whole cow right to your cubicle!

6. Ask and ye shall receiveth.
Again on the note of communicationI know you can probably figure the excel formula out yourself, well done Sparky. But in figuring it out yourself you might have wasted precious time. Same thing if you were listening to instructions being yammered off by a manager with auctioneer abilities and you just couldn’t completely make out what was being said. Or the instructions are clear but you are struggling with the actual work. Ask for help, ask a fellow colleague [NAILED IT] ask your manager. If your manager is a tyrant, then make sure that you asked everyone or tried everything you could, EVEN GOOGLE [surely, you know by now that Google is the friend you don’t deserve], before you go into your manager’s office with your tail between your legs, and if you find yourself in there, DON’T MUMBLE! Your manager was once where you are now (no, not the bathroom in your house, unless the beer drinking happened there) and hopefully they remember what it was like in the pit!

7. Keep things clean.
Listen up, you are not a 5-year-old anymore. Clean up around yourself, keep your working space tidy! Don’t think that because the company pays for a cleaning service, you can now just leave your desk looking like a crime scene. If you dirtied a mug, WASH IT! If you tried to be Shaq and shoot a balled up paper into the bin from 3m away and it missed, don’t just leave it lying on the floor. [Get yo’ ass up, pick the paper up and try again! Don’t give up that quickly!]  If you are able to function in controlled chaos without the murder, well done. Just remember your manager, or if you are the manager, your appy, must be able to walk to your desk and find whatever they need if you happen to be absent or whatnot. Same goes for your emails… keep it clean and professional. This is not Facebook or Twitter or whatever where you punctuate every sentence with a ;). And PHU-LEASE, dnt typ a emale 2 ur #peeps lik dis! Grow up!

8. If you are in a managerial position, then be a MANAGER not an asshole tyrant!!
This is a very serious one to me, I can’t tell you how often I see managers who in fact, cannot MANAGE people. It starts with managing yourself, I think. Being a manager is a privilege, not a right! You need strong inter-personal skills, emotional intelligence, leadership skills and a big set of balls (yes ladies, you too) to manage people. If you don’t have either of these then you need a military grade safety belt, cos it’s gonna be a flippen bumpy ride. Do some kind of people managing course, go to a leaders seminar, find a course that helps you deal with your social anxiety, freakin deal with your personal crap or the crap you are getting from YOUR managers BEFORE you deal with the sheep you shepherd. So many people complain about their working environment not because of office politics, but because their boss is a %#@*. If your boss was a %#@* when you first started out, that doesn’t mean you should follow suit.

9. Go through the ranks.
Something happened with a fellow work colleague [♪♫Ain’t no stopping me now♫♪] at work that you feel uncomfortable with, or you have beef with someone and you have tried sorting it out with them physically face-to-face but the situation is not improving. Don’t escalate the matter all the way to the CEO of the group. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat! Speak to that person’s direct superior, if that person is unavailable and the matter is of the AMBER kind then go to the next level manager. Don’t go over someone’s head unless you have tried without avail to communicate with the relevant person.

10. Have a positive mindset… or quit!
If you hate your job and no amount of anti-depressants and/or happy pills are making you feel less stabby, and you have also tried all the communication and whatever else you could to make it better, then change your attitude or GTFO!! Honestly, your negativity is not making your working situation any better. If you tried the attitude change for a good amount of time (not just a day) and things didn’t improve then it’s time to pack your things and fly into the sunset. Please don’t quit your job before you have a new one lined up, and don’t start slacking at your current job after you have resigned. Always try and keep things on good terms, you never know when you might need to deal with your ex-colleagues [I am the master now] again.

It’s been real! Tell me what you have learnt in your office experience and think I should have on my list.

Kind regards [END YOUR WORK EMAILS LIKE THIS!!!]
Your friendly neighbourhood office colleague [I had to]!

[Jokey me talking, the *’s are quotes… see if you know from where]

Thank you, Dankie, Siyabonga

4 years

YOWZAH!!!

You stumbled upon my ramblings one day and decided to stay and for that I want to thank you! You didn’t judge my swearing, the odd typo or weird reading sentence. You kept coming back to my words and drew sustenance from them as if your very essence could be… yeah I went to far!

To you, my follower, I want to say thank you! My blog is 4 years old and recently (in like, the last week) I hit 400 followers. That, to me is pretty big. I can’t physically give you all a hug but I can hug my PC (Chandler style from the 2:25 mark)

Omdat ek ‘n hele paar Afrikaanse troepe ook het, hierdie een is vir julle… 1…2…3 ♪♫ eeeeeeeeek sêêêêê, baie baie dankie♫♪ vir jou oë! Dit klink creepy! Ag dankie dat jy my geskrubbel lees en aanhou terug keer! Julle ondersteuning in die Ingelse wêreld maak dit vir my soveel lekkerder om al julle kommentaar te lees maak my voel dat julle regtig omgee! I’m getting all soppy haha.

Catch up witcha laters!
Liezel

Pro Tip:
Don’t keep your car’s spare keys IN the actual CAR!!
That’s not a smart move!

Dear youngens…

Do not take any situations for granted. Don’t ever think that nothing will benefit your life and do what you can to suck the life’s wisdom out of the more life experienced people around you, because believe you me, this will go a long way to your personal growth.

So, you have a curfew and your mom is breathing down your neck? Stop being an idiot and be thankful that you have a roof over your head. If your folks can’t pay for studies don’t use that as an excuse to loaf around. This is why working hard in school to get good grades is important. SCHOLARSHIPS or as us South Africans know it, bursaries! Your good grades make it easier on your folks to give you a good education! Unfortunately, most of you youngens, and most of us experienced stock, will only learn this long after the train has left the station. Leaving us standing there on the platform with the ticket in our hands and a confused look on our faces. Not even sure where we were going.

A child educated

Also, work on developing your pervasive qualities and skills, these are things that will help you to apply the theory you pick up in school or wherever, in the real world. I call it street smarts! If you gots the street smarts, then you can apply the book smarts in a more effective way. Things like professionalism, ethical behaviour, being a life-long learner, being able to communicate effectively are all things that will take you to the next level quicker. Future employers look at, and even REQUIRE these qualities from future employees!

Sometimes you are even able to get a job purely based on your street smarts. Then THAT job, combined with you still living rent free can lead to you furthering your own education! Yes, it’s hard work and yes you will have to be super disciplined. So freakin what? Stop being lazy and feeling entitled! Spend time with people who inspire you, if you want to be a doctor, find a doctor and spend time with him/her, ask questions, make observations. Soak up the brilliance. Be around people who share your vision and cut out people who cloud it!

b765168d7a34b441e8684d43eb27b692

Make things happen for yourself while it is still socially acceptable for you to live with the rentals. Because by the time it is no longer socially acceptable, then you are well on your way! You are then qualified and with your book- and street smarts you are equipped to take on the world and kick ass. Unless you are a pansy and too scared to step out of the comfy life into the desert that is independence!

And if you are unsure of what your passion is or what you would like to do, then my advice to you is, don’t wait 9 years before you at least try something. I am all for gap years, they serve a purpose. It is like the sorbet of life; it cleanses the pallet for the next meal! It readies you! Don’t get stuck in the gap though, one cannot live on sorbet alone! Do something, ANYTHING, that will give your life meaning on the greater scale.

341907fc77e6b00133642ceb05333fcc

You owe it to yourself, your parents and greatest of all, to your Maker!

Sincerely,
The adults of the world!!

DEADPOOL: My Biased Review

25 February 2016 will forever be a day that is celebrated and revered as THE day that I watched Deadpool for the first, and definitely not the last, time. I remember when it first got announced that they were MAKING Deadpool and that Ryan Reynolds (oh mama) would be playing the Merc with a Mouth. In my opinion, NO ONE ELSE would be able to play DP better and Ryan already had that schpeel as DP in X-Men Origins, which we do not speak of here, but he redeemed himself… in the most gloriously graphic and beautifully violent way.

To understand my obsession with DP, I will take you on a journey to the year 2002… the first time I laid eyes on the marvel (see what I did there) that is Ryan Reynolds.

015d118eb9949a71d43279312bb90488f89db99251ee266fa674bc5dea55c1d1_-original

Write that down!

It’s hilarious and it shows a PRE-gravitational force Tara Reid… Ahem. Then just 2 years later in 2004 he looked like this…

ryan-reynolds-workout-diet (1)

“I ate a lot of garlic and I just farted. Silent but deadly”

I mean, come on, surely that is super impressive on ANY level!? He is hilarious in ALL the movies that I have seen him in and if you have not watched Blady Trinity, do yohself a favour and watch it. It’s really good. Obviously Reynolds has a superhero physique and he definitely has the  humor to pull of the Merc with a Mouth.

My first encounter with DP was in X-Men Origins, it was a rather disappointing encounter and I never really paid much more attention to DP after that, who wants a Merc with NO mouth, where is the humour??? This is the part where I apologise to all the die hard DP fans who knew everything about him BEFORE Hollywood decided he needs his own movie. I would be honoured to be counted among your elite numbers and learn your ways, also, I would love to hear your thoughts on the movie.

099-ryan-reynolds-ew_0-horz

Oh, it’s spectacular!

My thoughts on the movie are simple… IT. IS. AMAZING!! It did not in any way disappoint, you know how sometimes if a trailer is brilliant then there’s nothing left for the movie? Yeah, that is so not the case here. Right from the start it is hilarious and by that I mean the opening credits. (Are you taking notes?) The action, the bloody marvelous action and for the males reading this, the women. The quick witted, next level type comedy, that only Reynolds would be able to pull off. Everything around this movie is brilliant, right from the trailers, teasers and campaign for the movie, to the actual movie itself.

I do not want to spoil anything for anyone who has not watched it. Please go watch it, your life will be enriched. PRO TIP: Watch the trailers right before watching the movie… it’s like stretching before you exercise, gets the blood flowing and gets you all excited. Oh and FFS, stay till after the credits. Don’t be the THAT guy. ALL MARVEL MOVIES HAVE POST CREDIT SCENES!!! Sheesh noobie!

You look like an avocado that had sex with an older avocado!

Best of all… it has been announced that a Deadpool 2 for 2017 is in the works. YAAAASSSSS!!! And it’s rumoured there might be a PROPER Deadpool / X-Men crossover.

azj2n5Z_700b_v1

Thank you 9GAG!

 

NEVER stop!!

This adult student theme seems to be a stuck record, it could be worse… Funk Soul Brother could be stuck at that “Right here, right now” part. That shit would just be too much. As per usual, I refer to my good friend (he doesn’t know it yet, but we are, totally, like, BFF’s) Dylan Moran.

Back to what I’m trying to say, become an adult student, never stop learning. Once you get that bee in your bonnet to start studying again, it’s like going into the store room of your brain where all previously important junk is stored and having to find all the parts of your brain that would work together to get you to learn new things. You know the room of which I speak, for some it’s the garage. Where the treadmill and spinning machine parts are, because yoh fat ass decided it was taking up too much space but, “I can’t sell it or throw it out because I will totally use it again”. If you just carried on using those things in the first place, yoh ass wouldn’t be fat. Same with your brain, I believe that the brain is a muscle (medical peeps, I do know it’s NOT) but if you look at how it works, surely it can be classified as a muscle? Quick “brain muscle” Google search came up with this:

New research shows that the brain is like a muscle. It gets stronger with practice. Scientists have been able to show just how the brain grows and gets stronger when you learn. Scientists have shown that, when people study hard and learn new ways to study, their brains change and grow. – Grow Your Brain | Khan Academy

On that note, I challenge you, learn something knew! Work that muscle! You want to learn to speak another language? Learn to take the perfect photo for that Instacrap thing? Learn  to dance? Learn how to paint or draw? Learn to play a musical instrument? Start doing it. I watched this TED ED video about how the speaker learned how to play the guitar in 20 hours. He explains that you can learn a new skill in 20 hours… that’s 1hour a day for 20 days – you learn your new skill within a month. Obviously things like learning a language would take slightly longer, but get started again at least. Watch this for some motivation:

Sorry, what’s that excuse you have? Oh you don’t have money. You don’t have time.

Im-allergic-to-bullshit-GIF

LOVE Will Smith

Yeah that’s right… bull shit! We live in the information age, people. You have the entire world of information literally at your fingertips!! Thank God for internet. You don’t need money to learn most things, there are endless tutorials on YouTube, endless experts (albeit self-proclaimed) taking the time to write down or video their skill to help others. Obviously you have internet, because you are reading this post.

And I don’t believe that you have no time… again, you are reading this post. So you are obviously just browsing through the internet. (Unless you are part of my elite following and you eagerly await my next piece of brilliance). What about all the time you spend watching series? Movies? Playing games… yeah looking at you CoD, LoL, WoW, and so on fans. What about the Facebook, Instagram, Twitter time? What about all the hours of sleep? Wait, before you yell at your computer that you need your beauty sleep… Studies show that adults (folks older than 18) need at the least 7 hours of sleep. I know that sleep is good for you and those around you, but too much sleep is bad for you. I heard someone say:

” People are afraid of death, yet they spend a third of their lives asleep”

Think about that!

Love this clip on Madagascar…

Stop making excuses why you are not pursuing your dreams. People aren’t interested in your excuses, it’s your results that WOW them.

Never stop learning!

Harsh Realities… 

… of starting to study towards a career as an adult.

I might make a Harsh Realities series of posts… we’ll see how far my commitment to the cause goes.

If, like me, you didn’t quite know what you wanted to be known as (apart from THE LOUD FRIEND) by your friends and family when you stepped out of high school. And your parents also didn’t quite know what to do with their genius but lazy rebellious child. You traveled the world… ok, like a bit of southern Africa and the UK… worked a few jobs. Till you found yourself being 25 and in the middle of a quarter life crisis, looking at younger more accomplished people, traveling to places like Prague and Croatia!! That’s when you realise, this brain cannot go to waste, you shall conquer some field of study, get a degree and build a career. Onward and upward, baby!!

onwardandupwardlbg14-03

BAM!!! Watch me go… 

Only flaw in your plan is, you is an adult!! You has adult responsibilities and adult bills to pay. Lucky for you, (me in this case) UNISA (University of South Africa) is a distance learning facility that is considerably cheaper than most other universities in the country. Distance learning enables you to still adult on with your life during the day, and by night… you can be Study Girl/Boy… If ever there was a useless superhero, THIS would be it. I feel that even Tutor Boy/Girl would be a better superhero.

2948793-lightningbolts6

Actually… this one is worse!! I mean wow!

Your life is now way more interesting, you’re struggling to juggle the pre-student life that you lived (with it’s set of responsibilities, both social and emotional) with the now student life of assignments, studying and oh yes, PAYING FOR YOUR OWN DAMN STUDIES. Cos you is an adult and adults pay for their own shittuff.

Then you realise that the line of work you are in does not coincide with the degree you are studying towards. Job hunting can now be added to the list of things that you, as an adult, now have to do for yourself. As most of us know, job hunting is a rather unrewarding exercise. In this case, the case where you are studying TOWARDS the degree that the company needs you to have BEFORE they consider you for the position, it is even worse. You’ve been in the working adult pool for a while, you have grown accustomed to it’s depths, now you have to go to the kiddie pool… have you SEEN what kids do in a kiddie pool???

img_01272

Honestly, kids have all the damn fun!! 

Come with me, if you please, imagine you are working as a teacher and you feel that arguing with a bunch of know-it-all teenagers, all day everyday, has boosted your lawyering skills and you feel like studying a law degree is the thing for you. Entry level law internships pay next to nothing, if they pay at all. You have absolutely no actual experience to offer the field (lesbihonest, it’s not like arguing with teenagers is any form of lawyer experience, maybe for parenting?) and you haven’t got the degree yet either. This makes you less of a commodity and more of a liability to them, instead of just training you they have to train, teach AND spoon feed you.

58745743

It doesn’t work that way…

I get that, I really do, but as an adult there is little to no time to be playing around in the internship pool. One cannot pay for rent, food, car, petrol, medical stuffs, SCHOOL and all the wine one would need to cope with the stress of not being able to pay for everything, with an intern’s salary. Ok, maybe you find a company willing to spoon feed and teach/train you (bless their hearts) bet money, they are most certainly not willing to match your salary. Now you are faced with the dilemma… do you finish your degree and only THEN start working in your chosen field, making the whole thing take so much longer. Or, do you cut costs, stop eating, start walking everywhere and take that internship?

maxresdefault

Working towards that career!!

All of that aside, there is the case of, no parents to FORCE you to study as in the days of old. You have to discipline yourself, buddy, AND distance learning comes with the added benefit of you being your own teacher. Sure, they offer classes, during your working hours. So yay!! Also, all your adult friends want to do adult stuff like cheese and wine parties and stuff, (not really cheese and wine parties, it just sounded better than drinking games and crackers parties), to which you can no longer go because “studies”. You are now known as the hermit friend, the friend that no one sees anymore apart from when you are in search of food, or a highlighter. Truthfully, your friends and family would probably be super supportive and understanding. Because, hey, they have done what you are now doing. It’s the friends who are not in your age pool that are less sympathetic and more “Dude, you are boring now”.

1455192049335555213

Welcome to the 1st annual Study Games!

If you are studying towards a degree and you consider yourself an adult (click here to see if you qualify in my mind). Props to you, my friend, may the force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favour. May you receive a spirit of wisdom and revelation. May you KICK ass!