That’s Coconuts!!

Let’s just clear the air real quick… I’ve been busy. *Awkward silence*

2056-original-awkwardsilence

Soooooo…. How’ve yah been?

Good, now that that’s taken care of, I’m back bitches, and I have tips… more accurately dry tips, on the ends of my hair. *Cue dry humour laugh* 

Seriously though, my ends are dry AF, because growing hair is te.di.ous and because I kinda suck at maintenance… Perfect girlfriend material here!! My hair grows slower than a herd  of tortoises (collective noun for tortoises?!) plowing through peanut butter, but it grows. But also in order to grow longer hair you have to cut the ends every 2 months, I am VERY bad at respecting the rules sooooo instead, I mix it up and just go to a professional every 6 to 8 months. *OMG! Yes, I know*. The rest of the time I cut it myself, I do not recommend it for straight haired people.

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No one cuts their own hair this straight.

Cut (ha ha) to now. My hair had a professional doing the snipping and it looks healthier, which is GRAND. But I am now very aware that the tips need some special TLC… Tender loving COCONUTS. HA!!! Psych! Coconut oil masks are the future!! *The title makes more sense now, doesn’t it?*

The interwebs are going NUTS (ha ha) for coconut everythings. It seems that any beauty blogger, vlogger and jogger worth her/his *I don’t discriminate… out loud* sea-salt scrub,  has some kind of hack involving coconut oil. I am not a beauty blogger, vlogger or jogger, but for those who care, I’ma lay some truth on you. In the form of a coconut oil face and hair mask. I’ll also mention a few other tips, involving coconut oil, that I heard of that I but may, or may not, have tried .

I’ll start with the face scrub/mask. Mix coconut oil, new or used ground coffee *PRO TIP: this is coffee beans that have been ground… NOT coffee that was on the ground* and some honey, slap that onto your face and massage in for a while. Leave on for 15mins or until you wake up from your nap and just rinse off with some warm water… no soap. What’s GRAND is you don’t need moisturiser afterwards. Side note, I tried to mix in lemon juice but the juice and the oil had a fight and well, they didn’t wanna speak sooo yeah, I just used it anyway. You don’t have to.

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Yes, this is me with a nut mask on… 

Next, coconut oil hair mask, super easy, SUPER effective. Heat up some oil in the microwave, dip your DRY hair (water and oil are not friends) into the oil and finger comb the oil up to the roots. Don’t put so much oil in that your hair is dripping and also do not pour the oil over your head like you are Aaron. *Sneaky Bible reference* Your roots have this amazing oil making factory so they don’t need the nut oil. *That sounds dirty*. So yes, from the ends up to the roots, massage the roots slightly if you want, wrap your hair into some loose bun thing so that you can cover it up. The way you wanna cover it up looks a little like this…

e58ff959e6e81bcb56843cf9a7b099f4--head-scarves-scarf-head

Kinda joking… but also, try it. Now I don’t have the wrapping skills, nor did I have a shower cap (which you can obviously also use), so I just covered my hair with some cling wrap and then wrapped it with a scarf, because I am a fixer. Sleep with all that in your hair and then wash it out in the morning. I did a 2:1 shampoo:conditioner ratio and then let my hair air dry. BEST. EVER!

Lemme brag a bit, I have virgin hair… meaning my hair is waiting for marriage… oh wait no. Ha. It just means I have never dyed my hair *Side note: don’t you think it’s ironic that dyed sounds like died… and you kinda kill your hair when you dye/die it?! BOOM. Mic drop* so my hair is super soft to start off with, but after nutting it *another dirty one* it was the superest *that’s a word now* of soft. It also seemed to stay clean for longer even after I tried the ol’ lemon juice & sunlight natural highlight trick, twice. So I nutted *Ok that’s enough now* it on Sunday night, Monday washed it, Tuesday and Wednesday juiced it, and for the rest of the week did all sorts of styles with it to see how it holds up. I’m talking hair spray, baby powder and just a lot of teasing. Washed it a week later and it is just GRAND. I would probably not go that long without at least rinsing it a few times, but still… WINNING!

Now some other things coconut oil can be used for:

  • Make-up remover *I have not tried it*
  • Face moisturiser (I like it)
  • Cooking… duh.
  • Cuticle oil
  • Wooden furniture polish
  • Lastly… this one I have not tried but this vlogger mentioned it: Coconut oil helps ease the itch of yeast infection. *WHAT!?* You dip a tampon into the oil and then stick it way up there, again I have not tried it, but I thought I’d mention it, cos I care. I know… it’s NUTS!

So there you have it, nutty coconut oil tips… for your tips and more.

What tips do you have for coconut oil uses… or, you know, just general life tips?

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Quoting Dylan!

*First of all, I tried to post this yesterday… didn’t work… Therefore, there will be 2 today, so I don’t break the thing*

I watch a lot of Dylan Moran. When I say a lot, I want you to think about what a lot means, and then multiply that number by like 50.

Who is this Dylan Moran, you ask? Well he is an Irish comedian/actor. He has a wife and children (if his stand-up stuff is anything to go by).

Anyway, I was racking my brain about content for this post (we are on 9 of 30… if you missed the others, click HERE) and I could not think of anything other than how much I wanted to watch Dylan Moran, then I thought, let me challenge myself to a quote-off, since yesterday’s post was about quotes.

So, the aim of the challenge is, I will quote Dylan from his shows and see how close I get to what he actually says. 10 Seems to be a good number, but just to be different let’s make it 11, 11 quotes.

  1. “What are children? Midget drunks. The kind of people who wake you up by kneeing you in the face.”

  2. “You measure what good a time you had by how much it f@#$ you up. You go out, get ripped, get shit faced. The next morning you are asked, “how was last night?” and you say, “It was fantastic, I can’t see. I have no sense of sensation, no feeling, no sensation on the left side of my body. I can’t even form sentences. You should have come, you would’ve at least lost an ear.”

  3. “This was also a time where a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, would open a hat box full of old memories. The curly-wurly wrapper that meant so much. The bundle of letters to painful to look at OR throw away. They need to be kept so that they can never be looked at again. A 9 speed, dual shaft, triple action… no that was a different time, a different time.”

  4. “Australia, why would anybody want to go there? It’s located ¾ of a mile from the surface of the sun. People audibly crackling as they pass you on the street. That’s why you don’t need to cook down there. You just bring the shit out, throw it on a grill and it bursts into flames. And if they don’t do that, they fling themselves into the sea, which is almost exclusively inhabited by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jelly fish, swimming knives, they’re all in there.”

  5. “People say that to you in your life, they go, “I love you, I love you.” “Yeah? Bring me a f@#$ing eclair.”

  6. “They’re not sophisticated. You are there, with the grandfather clock between your pajamaed knees staring at the mother f#$%er, thinking “please go home”. Look, I know we have had 7 or 8 bottles of wine and a half a bottle of whiskey, but I think you should drive, I do, I really do. I will personally cello-tape your hands to the wheel. Please go away from here.”

  7. “I know what you are thinking. Oh, do you? Do you really? I know what I am thinking too. I am thinking I’d like to be face down in a cushion, with my mouth filled with chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.”

  8. “Don’t open the door, because it won’t be like that. What you will probably find is a tiny startling blind cat with diarrhea, sitting on a mattress less, iron sprung bed, with his huge eyes meowing at you. As an emphysemic landlady untangles her pop socks and a guy turns the corner with an aubergine wearing a string vest going bashabasha ba… *making kissing noises*. That’s your potential.”

  9. “Wine, you have one of two bottles and then one of you says, “I know, I know, I know… let’s go potholing, in Croatia.” And you think, “Fine, I know a guy who can give us a lift. ME. Whiskey, turns you into 2 people, one goes up to total strangers and says, “come in come in sit down, for goodness sake have something, have my bed. And the other can co up to someone you have known and loved your entire life and says, “Get the F@#$ out of my house. Go on. Get out… and leave a tip.” Vodka is a very deceptive drink, they could market this to children. You can’t taste it you can’t smell it, why did we waste our money on a – why are we on a traffic island? Gin, gin is very dangerous. You need to be careful with gin, you also need to be 50, female and sitting on the stairs. “Nobody likes my shoes. I made, I made FIFTY F#$%ING vol-au-vents and not one of you, NOT ONE OF YOU, said thank you.” or “Everybody shut up, SHUT UP, this song is all about me”

  10. “Children have a lot of purpose in their walk, a walk that says, “I am going over here” and you say, “why are you going over there?” “Because I have a harmonica.” “Why do you have a harmonica?” “I am putting it in the toilet. Enough questions, goodbye.”

  11. “Men find it difficult talking to woman about childbirth. Because it always starts with a melon. “IMAGINE A MELON!! COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE. F@#$it, stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.”

These are the ones I can remember the best. I am not sure how well I did, I will do the actual quotes tomorrow later for comparison. I’ll also put the stand-up show in which he says the quote.

Stay tuned.

It rarely pays to take business personally. — Box Thoughts

Emotions are often tough to control. If someone pisses you off, it is hard to take that as not being personal. You are now pissed off, does it matter why? It really does matter. Many people have two (or more) sides to their personality. Home version – what they are like with friends and family. […]

via It rarely pays to take business personally. — Box Thoughts

Just doing a little reposting of some great content I found in my thread. Go give it a read, you know you want to!!!

I am definitely one of those people with 2 personalities, work and home.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just business.

“And I quote”

I thought today I will try a different thing… Ima just throw some quotes at yah. I have been “collecting” these from an app called Brilliant Quotes. This app has a setting that you can chose to receive a daily quote at a certain time and then some days it does like a “5 quotes that will make me happy” thing.

I will limit it to 10 though, because if you are anything like me then you already wondered off like Dory singing “Just keep swimming”.. (ha ha ha ha oh oh I love to swiiiiming when you WAAAAAANT to swim you want to… wait… who we talkin’ bout?) So, as I was saying 10 quotes that I have been collecting.

Aaaaaand they’re off:

  • Starting with the latest one I saved by Blaise Pascal –  “*a French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer and Catholic theologian. He was a child prodigy who was educated by his father, a tax collector in Rouen.”

I am sorry I wrote you such a long letter; I didn’t have the time to write a short one.

I love this! Talks about writing letters and it’s witty. Things I appreciate!

  • NEXT!! Sticking with the witty, we have a bit of Marilyn Monroe– “*an American actress, model, and singer. Famous for playing comic “blonde bombshell” characters.”

When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I’m already better than them.

The last bit I don’t completely agree with, the whole “better than them” thing. But I think that’s what people in constant public scrutiny would say. But the confidence and the assurance that other people’s opinions about you don’t shape you is great.

  • Now we have a literary genius, he wrote the Narnia books, C.S Lewis“*a British novelist, poet, academic, medievalist, literary critic, essayist, lay theologian, broadcaster, lecturer, and Christian apologist.”

The safest road to hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

I’ll leave you with that one…

  • On to another great writer, Mark Twain“*an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

Anything against fear is speaking my language. Fear holds you back from greatness, aint nobody got time for that.

  • Then we get to the great visual artists, who also could paint with words Pablo Picasso“*a Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker, ceramicist, stage designer, poet and playwright who spent most of his adult life in France.”

I am always doing what I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

Words I will one way live by… (but today is not that day)

  • Some more art… martial art with Bruce Lee “*a Hong Kong and American actor, film director, martial artist, martial arts instructor, philosopher, and founder of the martial art Jeet Kune Do, one of the wushu or kungfu styles.”

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

Easy is not always better.

  • On to old school philosopher, Socrates“*a classical Greek (Athenian) philosopher credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, and as being the first moral philosopher, of the Western ethical tradition of thought.”

Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.

Not entirely sure yet what to wonder about, but I wonder (haha) that if I keep wondering whether I would just become wiser by default? (I make a funny)

  • Another philosopher from waaay back when, Aristotle – “*an ancient Greek philosopher and scientist born in the city of Stagira, Chalkidiki, in the north of Classical Greece.”

It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

In an educated world we still have people arguing about differences of opinion…

  • Back to the writers, Oscar Wilde“*an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of London’s most popular playwrights in the early 1890s.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Just some light-hearted stuff again. I think many people think that of themselves.

  • We’ll close off with someone who is still alive, John Cleese“*an English actor, voice actor, comedian, screenwriter, and producer.”

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

Asking the important questions, John!

* Source: Wikipedia

What are some of the best quotes you’ve heard?

 

Friends vs HIMYM 2.0

In August of 2013 (yes, THAT long ago) I wrote a post about the similarities between the AMAZING sitcom Friends and the less amazing (but still amazing) How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM). I would advise you to go read the first one HERE before reading any further. If you have read the first one, then come along. Mind your head and don’t step on the dog.

Friends, HIMYM

Here we go again!!

The more I watch these shows the more similarities I stumble upon, and why should I keep this vital information to myself!! That’s just not fair! So, here are some more similarities I have noticed:
How we shared? a mother??

  • Throughout Friends, we see Monica and Ross’ mother played by Christina Pickles, it just so happens that Christina Pickles plays Lily’s grandmother in HIMYM. She does not play such a big recurring role but we first see her in S05E09.
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Christina Pickles

  • Sticking with the mom’s… in Friends, Mike’s mom is played by Christine Rose who also plays Ted’s mom in HIMYM. Is there a possibility that Mike and Ted are brothers?! WHAT!
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Christine Rose

Oh, Professor!!

  • In Friends, Ross starts out working as a palaeontologists at a museum. But in S06E04 Ross does his first guest lecture at New York University, which turns into a full time gig as a professor at the university.
  • Ross then goes on to date one of his students.
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Thanks to Ted, I will forever know how to spell PROFESSOR!

  • In HIMYM, Ted starts out as an architect, then he tries his hand at having his own firm for a bit, which didn’t work. Then in S05E01, Ted gave his first lecture at Columbus University as… you guessed it, a professor.
  • Ted then goes on to date one of his students.

*Side note: Both Ross and Ted start off a bit rocky. Ross, by pretending to be British and Ted, by teaching the wrong class.
YAWN!!

  • In Friends, anytime that Ross mentioned dinosaur or bones or talks about his work, the group pretends to fall asleep.
  • In HIMYM, anytime Ted gets excited about “intellectual” things the group makes fart noises so as to interrupt him.

Picasso?

  • In Friends, Phoebe makes these er… interesting art pieces that Rachel then uses to scare Joey. Phoebe thinks her art is amazing yet the rest of the group obviously does not agree.
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Yikes!!

  • In HIMYM, Lily also does weird art things, even goes away to learn about art. Again, the group does not share in her enthusiasm about her craft.

Life after

  • Jennifer Aniston, who plays Rachel in Friends, has gone on to act in many many movies. Movies such as Horrible Bosses 1 & 2, We’re the Millers, Bounty and more.
  • Cobie Smulders, who plays Robin in HIMYM, has also spread her wings in the film industry with major roles in the Avengers movies, there are plenty more but I feel once you hit a Marvel movie you have made it!

The reason this is fitting to this post is as in my first Friends vs HIMYM post I pointed out the similarities between Rachel and Robin.

I still have to finish watching the HIMYM series (yes, I know, I just get busy, ok?) but once I do that, I am sure I will see many more similarities.

Any that I may have missed? Lemme know in the comments below.

Oh, to travel!

Close to 3 years ago I wrote this post about 10 of my bucket list items. Since then some shit has gone down… I still have not ticked anything off BUT I am *hopefully* in my final year of my degree. Yay me. Pass the coffee!

I have things to add to the list, but that’s for a different time. This post right here will be to unpack the first item on my original list… Soooooo, go read THAT post and then come back.

You didn’t go read it, did you? All you do is carbonise and shit on my dreams. Nevermind, here it is!

Travel (this needs a subsection of it’s own)
I want to travel to so many places, and yet I can’t pin point them all and why I want to go there. But for now, I want to travel to Greece to go to the Acropolis, Mt Olympus, go to all the Greek isles, especially Delos, and see where the myths originated from. Ancient Greece is a big fascination of mine!

Yes, so I won’t talk about Greece now, I want to go there, it is beautiful, it is rich (ha… in history). Case closed.

Here are 4 more places I would like to visit, and why:

  1. Germany

I was not a big fan of history as a high school student. I remember watching the Third Reich film in high school but I did NOT enjoy it. (This may or may not be because I have a short atten… yes? Can I help you?)

BUT now since I have grown up and learned a bit more about Germany and their role in WWII, I want to be able to go see the country and go to the places where these awful things that shook humanity took place. Germany fascinates me, this huge travesty hangs over them. 75 years later and people are still kinda iffy about Germany.


To lighten the mood… some Dylan Moran.

But look at Germany now, (losing to Mexico in the FIFA World Cup) how they have turned it around for themselves, the industries and advances that has happened because of Germany. Three of the most successful automobile manufacturers hail from Germany (in case you just came out of a very long coma… BMW, Mercedes Benz and Volkswagen). It gives me hope for South Africa, I don’t want to say Apartheid… but I just did.

  1. United States of America

I know many people from the States, my aunt is from the States, loads of my friends have gone to the States to live there for a span. And, lets be real, you switch on the TV, it’s American stuff. You turn on the radio, it’s American stuff. I want to go to the factory store where this American stuff is created.

NYC

And then it says “Made in China”!

I want to go to Miami, New York and California. One sentence reasons for these are: Miami – It’s hot, it has a beach and Bad Boys was filmed there… what more do you need? New York – Makes me think of the ultimate business empire, could be very inspiring… OR I could be mugged, as a South African that is a weird sentence to type (mugged outside SA… Oh the irony)California – Also hot, but the biggest reason, I want to go to Redding and visit Bethel Church.

  1. Israel

I don’t want to do a pilgrimage, I just want to go to the places where Jesus was.  I know a couple who used to be tour guides in Israel taking groups of people basically where Jesus went. I want to go to Jerusalem, the river Jordan, (which I know is in Jordan… duh), Bethlehem, Golgotha. Just all these places. My house mate went to Israel in 2016 and she still talks about it sometimes.

Panorama of Jerusalem old city. Israel

  1. Egypt

Pyramids, sphinx, sand. Well, I joke about the last one, a bit. I want to travel here mainly because of 2 reasons. a) The rich history, the fact that a lot of what we as the human race know now, the ancient Egyptians knew loooo-hong ago. They also have a rich mythology, which I find extremely interesting. I want to see the contrast between the desert on the one side of the Nile and the rich forestry on the other.  b) Exodus. Growing up the “Moses story” was one of my favourite stories. It would just be amazing to be there.

That is all… as you were.

*PS: It would be great if you let me know where YOU would like to travel to*

Dear People with Children

  • Please stop making it seem as if someone who does not like children is the anti-christ.
  • Please don’t be offended when the person who does not like children does not melt at the sight of a picture of your child’s foot.
  • Please don’t take offence when a person who dislikes children declines the offer to look at a photo of your child.
  • Please stop trying to “evangelise” a person who dislikes children. There is no switch in their brain that gathered dust because someone forgot to flick it. They won’t change just like that.
  • Please stop freaking out about the fact that the person who does not like kids is a woman and “that’s basically what women are made for.”
  • Please hold your shitty comments of “oh, just wait till you have children of your own” or “don’t you feel empty and unfulfilled?” to yourself. This is not a “once you try it you’ll love it” kinda thing. Just stop.
  • Please, for the love of sausages and mash, do not shove your kid into the arms of a person who dislikes children because “you’ll change your mind when you hold a baby”. (What if they don’t take the baby, and it falls…?)
  • Please stop sending or tagging someone who dislikes children in all your baby YouTube videos.
  • Please know that every time you make a shitty comment, like the ones mentioned here, you make these people feel like they are incomplete and have some missing parts. So in the words of Pythagoras: “Be silent, or let thy words be worth more than silence”
  • Lastly, please understand that people are different and that does not make anyone better or worse than the other. Also understand that people who dislike children don’t necessarily HATE children. It’s more like they are indifferent and the more you push, the more different they become. Just leave them and eventually you’ll see they pick the baby up all by themselves.

There is nothing wrong with people who dislike children. They are not freaks, they are not unhappy or just being extra. They are who they are and it would be great if people could all just get along.

Sincerely, people who don’t like children.

4 Voices of the Female Mind

As a female (*checks to make sure*… yes) I feel obligated to shine some light on some of the misconceptions about females. At any one time in a female’s mind there are at least 4 voices vying for attention. I repeat… AT LEAST FOUR VOICES. So, the fact that we can still hear what the freck you said from the other room with the hairdryer on full blast should be celebrated, with cake.

Therefore, (don’t you just love that word? Makes you feel so smart) without further ado here we go.

MOM voice!!

First up we have the mom voice. We all know the mom voice. This is the voice that creeps up on you when you are doing something that, as an adult, you know you shouldn’t be doing… basically drinking 4 shots of tequila AND a jaggerbomb on a Tuesday night. Dammit Shannon! The mom voice sounds distinctly like your own mom, so for a moment you feel like she is there, holding your hair back. This voice usually says things like “I told you not to do that?” or “Aren’t you a little old (or young) for that?” or my favourite “STOP THAT!!” Very occasionally you will hit a point where you are the one using the mom voice. Do not be alarmed, it happens.

Rebel voice!!

This is the voice that almost immediately follows the mom voice and yells “F#*% you!!” to everyone trying to tell them how to live their lives. Most of the time there is no rhyme or reason for the outburst, it just happens. This is also the voice that coaxes you to have the aforementioned tequila on a Tuesday. This is the voice that says “This is so much fun, why did we ever stop drinking tequila?” Conveniently forgetting the last time that tequila was the go-to drink. That hospital will never be the same again. This voice has a Dory memory when it comes to immediate things. But it seems to remember the days of your youth like it was yesterday.

fat amy

Because… Rebel Wilson!

Gammy voice!!

In direct contrast to the rebel, this voice is the one that whispers in your ear how nice and cozy the couch and a good ol’ Dylan Moran binge would be on a Friday night. This is also the voice that says “I remember when I was your age!” or “WHAT?! The fuel price is WHAT?! I remember when it was the price of a packet of chips” or “Ugh, the young people of today!” This is the voice that you love to listen to but will never admit it. She has the good ideas, because she is semi-senile and sometimes even wants to hang out with the rebel voice. Drinking tequila bombs because mid pour she forgot that the bomb is actually made with jaggermeister. This is a dangerous voice. Watch out!

granny-quote-627x1024

Oh Ice Age!!

Gay man voice!!

As much as we might not want to admit it we have a gay (or at the very least bi) man voice. You know the voice. The one that says to you “You’re wearing THAT?! You’re going out in PUBLIC with that. Do you realise this? Darling, put another f#@%ing shirt on!” This is also the voice you entertain when you feel whimsical and are drinking something pink and fun and doing a bit of people watching. This voice points out all the fashion faux pas of all the people walking by, making you utter “Oh Honey!!” out loud. Unfortunately, this is also the voice that asks you in a very condescending way, with the fork midway to your mouth, “Should you be eating that?

gay

Best!

Little girl voice!!

This is the voice that some women hear the most often. (Or maybe that’s just me) The little girl voice is the one that makes your mind wonder off into a field of flowers. Or the voice that you follow into the animation section of the movies because “The princess has nice hair and loves that man and she has a horse, we don’t have a horse. Can we get a horse? Oooh popcorn!” The little girl voice is also the one yelling to the rest of the voices “STOP FIGHTING!!! Give me chocolate!” This voice is the reason you are watching the third funny cat video or the cats and babies video because… “It’s so fluffy!!!!!

fluffy

You know it!!

Then, if you are a man you might want to take note here. Once a month these four voices come together in a bad choir making the woman you love a rollercoaster of emotion. All these voices take over during the red flood and all you can do is throw chocolate and pour wine for them to take the ibuprofen with. Just stand aside and let the storm pass over you.

*This is not a comprehensive list of voices, there are many more, and many different ones for different stages of life. Welcome to the shit show!*

6 Types of Colleagues

Lemme lay some hard earned wisdom on you, straight from living office life for about 10 years now. There are some people you meet in your working life that leave a lasting impression on you. Some of these impressions are the way you conduct business and your attention to detail. Other impressions are like that impression on your face when you fell asleep on your hand. You probably did fall asleep on your hand because the person is so dang boring.

Hand print portrait

Something like this… but nothing like this.

On that note, let us reach into the archives of my brain and identify some of the people you probably have or will work with:
1. Personal Peter

This is the one who walks up to you at 7:45, while you are trying to find your face in the office kitchen because you have not yet had coffee, and proceeds to explain how thoroughly messed up the couple across the street from their house is. “I mean they let their dog do it BUSINESS right outside the door. Who does that?” Now since you have no coffee in your system, your brain scrambles to paint a picture for you and this is what you end up with.

business-dog-73850

Business is ruff!!

This person is also the one that will fish for any detail about anyone’s life so as to have some kind of story. They are usually the ones who will remember everyone’s birthday and make a big deal.
How to identify them:

  • They have shit on their face from all the brown nosing.

2. Bitchy Bridget

This one works her ass off, is just short of genius and is in with the bosses not through brown nosing but through good ol’ buckling down and getting the job done. This is also the one who tends to argue with said bosses in such a way that you cringe a little, and kind of expect her to be packing up her desk at some point. Yet she never does.

rbf

Yes?! What?!

On the flip side, she is mean, almost bitchy. Has that resting-bitch-face thing as a preset and even when she is joking you kind of feel like she is serious.
How to identify them:

  • I mentioned the resting-bitch-face, right?

3. Kevin the Clown

How does this dude still have a job? Honestly? Especially after that time he taped everything on the boss’ table to the roof. Just short of rocking up at work with a red nose he is always making jokes and seems like he is never working.

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Oh, Kevin!

Real likable guy, he is the one inviting everyone for phuza-Thursday… on a Monday… and a Wednesday… and of course a Thursday. He always seems to have money for all the booze, which begs the question. Does he moonlight as a comedian prankster? And how is his brain still functioning on the level it needs to.
How to identify them:

  • Look for the one who is being yelled at by resting-bitch-face (RBF)!!

4. Silent Susan

Woman doesn’t say a damn word, and even when she does speak you nearly give yourself whiplash just to hear what she says.

Hard worker, can either be super smart or real dumb. You don’t really know because she’s sooo damn quiet and creepy looking. Her attire looks like it got stuck between the 60s and the 90s with a weird mix of frills and colours.

There is probably some kind of rumor (started by Kevin) at the office about this girl’s family life or whether she has a knife in her office drawer.
How to identify them:

  • The one always sitting quietly keeping to herself, plotting the massacre, I mean, working.

5. Gaming Gareth

This guy keeps to himself most of the time, because he is either playing a game on his phone or secretly on his computer, or he is strategising the next move in his head or researching the newest games etc.

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See… even he is gaming!

He is the one who will run the office fantasy football and managing everyone’s crypto-currency trading. He is quite socially awkward because he only speaks in gaming terms. He would probably yell “GG” to Kevin after he was yelled at by RBF. If he does come and talk to you it is mainly to ask you if you would join his Clash of Clans… clan?
How to identify them:

  • The IT guy…

6. Noob Nelly

This is the new person at the office. The one who f*#$ up the coffee machine so RBF can’t get her fix. The one who will most definitely be befriended by Peter because within 5 minutes of Nelly working there Peter has found out everything about her, from her childhood, to her blood type to her mother’s cat’s maiden name.

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Granted she was a good noob!

The noob is usually also a brown noser but only because they feel the need to impress everyone. They are also always in trouble with RBF because they are messing everything up and RBF is quite the perfectionist.
How to identify them:

  • They are the ones who look like they still have the time to wing their eyeliner and sleep more than 5 hours a night. Bright eyed and fuzzy tailed.

Pro’s and Con’s of the gypsy life

For about a year now I have basically been living like a gypsy (if gypsies house sat for months and months). Not the traditional kind of gypsy and also not the kind that jumps to mind when you hear gypsy (the caravans, bonfires flowing skirts, jewellery and crystal balls)… but gypsy in the sense of kind of being a couch surfer but with a bed. (I’m sticking to the name of my post simply because “Pro’s and Con’s of the couch surfer life” is too long)

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What comes to mind.

Staying true to form, I feel that because this has been my life for about a year now, I should share my hard earned wisdom.

So here goes, first up… PRO’S!

  • You don’t pay rent.

This is probably the biggest pro, what you would have paid for rent can now go to savings. (HAHAHAHAHA as if!!!) Ok truthfully, you can live a little less stressed about finances because lets be real. You’re not saving… Are you?!

  • You aren’t stuck in a lease.

There is no binding contract to keep you where you are. You could just up and leave any time you want to and if you do sign a contract, usually it’s for house sitting and you need that gig to have a place to sleep. You are way more flexible that way.

  • You live alone.

To any of my friends reading this, yes, sometimes I just want to be alone. Living with people is draining sometimes and doing the gypsy life means that for a small chunk you live alone and can do things with the door open or stay in your wholly pj’s the whole of Saturday and Sunday.

  • The renewed sense of thanksgiving

Nothing makes you appreciate what you have more than not having it for some time. The gypsy life humbles and opens your eyes to what matters. You see who truly cares and how good the hearts of those you depend on are.

And now for the CON’S:

  • None of your shit is in one place.

Because you have taken up house sitting as a professional hobby you have had to pack all the stuff you really still want and need from your pre-gypsy life into masses of boxes. These boxes essentially represent your life and they live scattered among friends and family. The reason you hold onto these things is because the gypsy life is not sustainable, and roots will be planted at some point. Therefore you need that box of pots and pans and mismatched Tupperware.

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If that was me I would just build a house out of the boxes.

  • You live alone.

Yes this is both a pro and a con. Anything happens, you are alone. Car decides to lock you out like a stubborn child whilst idling… you are alone. And because all your shit is in boxes, you don’t have immediate access to your spare key… ergo… broken window. Granted these things could happen if you lived alone also, so take these “You are alone.” points with some salt.

  • After a while you start feeling ugh

You know ugh, it’s that feeling of “there is something missing”, or “something is off”, or “this isn’t where I parked my car”. The feeling of, surely I missed the turn off the road going nowhere. (Checking Waze doesn’t help, I tried).

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What it feels like sometimes, heavy traffic, cops and road works.

But this feeling doesn’t last long unless you invite it in for tea and biscuits. It passes because you will have more money at the end of the month as well as that thanksgiving thing I mentioned.

All of this to say that I feel if you have no roots somewhere, try the gypsy life.

That is all for now.

*PS: I went to research gypsies and found out that they were massacred along with the Jew’s by the Nazi’s in the pursuit of racial purity. For some heavy reading find it here. I would like to take this moment to say that I do not try to make light of their struggles as a nation nor do I look down on them in any way. Unfortunately society has painted a picture of gypsies as a caravan dwelling, never rooted people. That is what I am referring to.

L… OUT!

What is self-discovery?!

You hear about these people on a “road to self-discovery” or you *puke* see it plastered all over their Instagram feed or Facebook or whatever these kids are using nowadays. Those stupid hashtags telling us this is who you are, when in fact you are no different than the person who went off down the road a few weeks ago… All that is different is that you are now using black and white filters instead of that one filter that makes your eyes look dead inside, oh wait, that ain’t no filter.

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This is a filter…

As a person who is not on any road to find myself, I often wonder, how the f… feck did you lose yourself? And who is this “self” that you have lost? Look, I get loosing things, ok, I have lost my fair share of things in my time. A cellphone, car keys, house keys, sanity, cards of all varieties (most of these things at the bottom of a handbag – don’t believe me, ask any person with a handbag. There is a 7th layer in one’s handbag. Thanks, Iliza Shlesinger) But for the life me, why do you need to go on a trip to find the self that you lost.

Ok let’s talk about losing more important things, like losing a child in a crowded grocery store or clothing store because your spawn “precious” decided to hide in those clothes racks in the middle and scare the crap out of you. And then the next thing, they are not there anymore and you find them by the lingerie mannequins… touching things! But seriously, it takes ZERO effort to lose a child in a store, I get why white people put leashes on their children.

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Sit… STAY!

Or, losing the V-card, the cherry, the flower. First off all, let’s be real, you didn’t LOSE that, you gave it away, and some of you needed no convincing at all. I don’t want to go into it… ha, it’s not such a deep… (ha, sooooo many that’s what he saids) subject, but unless something unfortunate happened, you didn’t lose your v-card.

For those readers who don’t know what I am talking about… It’s virginity! (Hi Mom)

So, how do you lose yourself… TELL ME EMINEM!!!

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I don’t think it’s “THERE”…

(If you are getting ready to drop the lines to the song then we will be friends… mom’s spaghetti.)

And where do you start looking? Does “have you checked the last place you remember having it?” help in situations like these? Or “have you checked the cubbyhole (for those not from South Africa… a cubbyhole is the glove compartment in a car), or the top drawer of the desk, or the 7th layer of the handbag”. What do you say to someone who tells you they have lost themselves? “You can borrow my GPS”?

For reals, how do you wake up one morning, quit your job as a barista or art person or professional hipster, and feck off to Thailand to live with some monk and spend 5 weeks in a zen-like state so that you can “find yourself”? Listen, have you seen some of those monks? They don’t look like they are in touch with themselves, or anyone… know what I mean? Also, what about all the people in your life, you know, the pre-losing yourself days? What happens to them when you return with a name like Peaceful Sleep or some shit? What about everyone who loved the self that you were before you fecked off to find a new self? Oh wait… never mind.

Uncle Fungus??

On that note, I will work on developing a special torch to help those who are on that road to self-discovery… There’s obviously a market for it.

Lastly, these “roads to self-discovery” are they on Google maps? Or are there speed limits on them? Because some people take fecking ages to discover themselves… or maybe they got lost cos they didn’t really lose themselves… they just changed!!

6 Irritating things that irritate my irritated self

We all have those little things that irritate the SHIT out of us and unfortunately people who are close to us do those things, so we can’t legit just lose your shit because they are doing something that irritate you, because… they are friends and also they have a WHOLE arsenal full of shots to fire right back at your irritating ass. *HI FRIENDS*

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Me me me, I’m steak!

With all of that I will take the first friendly fire:

1. The no answer call…

Picture, if you will, you are busy, showering, working, eating, spending time with a close friend, literally anything other than being on your phone *GASP… I know right* and you get back to your phone to see a missed call *or 5, sorry Mom* from another friend, colleague or family member. ONLY. A. MISSED. CALL!!! Listen, I cannot express to you how irritated I get when I see only a missed call from someone that I know, someone whose number is saved under my contacts, you obviously matter to me, Guy from Pizza place nr 2.

I immediately think one of two things happened: 1) You stopped being my friend (Or bringing me pizza), or 2) The rapture, and I got left behind!! Why did you not just leave a voice mail after my voice mail service requested that you do so? Are you too good for that? Or if you didn’t want to do that for some weird reason, why didn’t you send me a message saying WHY you tried to call me. I want you to know, if you dead call me, I will ignore that shit! It was obviously not important. *Unless you are the pizza man, don’t leave me*

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I didn’t mean you…

2. The broken wing…

I wear make-up and when I do it for the fans I wing my eyeliner. I take pride in those wings, I didn’t even have to drink red-bull for those wings. But sometimes the stars don’t all align and sometimes my guardian angel is still checking Instagram while I am winging it… and it messes up. Now, I just want to say I have been winging it since before Taylor Swift knew someone was trouble, since before Katy Perry Kissed a Girl, since before Beyonce’s music got all out of whack.

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My chicken… just everything!

I don’t use a stencil like the plebs, I free hands those babies, it’s a sense of pride and my pride takes a knock when the one breaks. Why the EFFFFFFFFF do I still mess it up? What!? Did I fly too close to the sun? Tell me, Icarus, is this what happens?

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Shout out to these artists…

3. The ghost…

Technology has all but taken over our lives so naturally we text and social media all the live long day… which is exactly why I get soooooo frustratingly irritated if I sent you a message and I don’t get a reply… but your social media everything’s are updated. I’m seeing a new story on Whatsapp (those story things SUCK), like 5 new selfies and one inspirational quote on Instagram and all of a sudden your relationship status on Facebook is complicated… I spoke to you 3 mins ago, and I know you use your phone for social media. So what the freck? Are you a ghost? Am I a ghost? Am I Matthew McConaughey in the book case? AND THEN, 2 days later I get a message out of the blue, “Hey, how are you?” Are you for reals? *I realise this is petty and needy but, so what, your face is petty and needy*

4. The machine gun texter…

While on the topic of technology, I don’t understand why people send messages in installments. Why do you feel the need to make my phone sound like a Skillex song with it’s vibrations and sounds? I don’t understand why you can’t use your enter key and just make a space instead of sending. every. message. separately. Why do people do this?…

I will leave my phone for 2 hours when someone starts with that shit. After 2 hours I will come back and reply, to all your installments, with one long message, using the enter key to form a break so that you can know I am an educated human being and I know how to form paragraphs. Seriously, why are you machine gunning my phone? Just take a moment and think about what it is you want to say and then formulate a long coherent message.

5. Da lzy txtr…

I can’t!!! I just, I, it, it just makes me so mad. I cannot take you seriously as an adult if you reply to my message, asking you if you will be joining the drinks evening on Saturday, with “Hi, Ya I wll b der. wot mus I gt I dnt knw wer u lve snd pin” I want to contact your high school and negotiate a refund. I seriously wonder what people do with the time they save from not typing a word correctly. Are you volunteering at a childrens’ home, in which case, you really shouldn’t cos you can’t be trusted!! That is how I feel about that. *Getchoh sheeit togethah!! – I spelt it that way cos you can’t hear how I said it*

Just a quick side note… if you use any of the vernacular of the youngens *AKA scum* I will block you! I don’t even care. Messaging me telling me that’s lit fam. I will slap you!

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And THEN I’ma slap you

Lastly, for now… 6. Same shit Suzi

I don’t mind helping people, in fact I rather enjoy it. We should help one another. That being said, if, after I have explained a concept; demonstrated a concept; given advise about that growth that no one should EVER see; listened to your sop story of the boyfriend that didn’t text you good night even though he changed his profile picture on Instagram *I feel you though* and you aren’t in it… *Don’t really feel you there, at least you have a boyfriend, Suzi, don’t be so ungrateful* if after all these things, you still come to me for help or advise about the same shit more than 3 times… I will lose my shit.

I will start charging my services by the second and for you, there is no freakin discount. Actually for you I will just cancel the service and cut you the freck off. If you just want to complain, then complain, be real about it, if you just want me to do that equation for you cos your ass is lazy then be real and let me know. But do not waste my time and energy by asking me over and over and expecting me to give you a different answer. That’s madness! (Albert said so)

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Even he is unimpressed by your shit!!!

The one where Rachel sucks

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F.R.I.E.N.D.S is that one show, that brilliant sitcom, that funny timeless sitcom that has just enough feels to keep you coming back for more. (Don’t mind if I do) I have watched Friends countless times (I say countless ‘cos if I DID count the times I have watched it, it would probably be an embarrassing number of times) and each time I am reminded why it is so close to my heart. I have written another post about Friends HERE.

All that mushy stuff being said, there is a BUT, with me there is always a BUT(T), the last few episodes I watched made me realise that Rachel is a self centered BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! Especially towards the end of season 4 and through season 5.

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You know it!

SPOILER ALERT (You know, for if you are one of those unfortunates who have not had the privilege, nay, the honour, of watching Friends, and you still want to watch it, then take a few months and watch it before reading further)

Here’s why I say Rachel is a BEEP BEEP… yeah ok. Bitch: End of S04 Phoebe is muchos pregnant and can’t go with the others to London for Ross’ wedding. After getting an invite from Ross (which, you know, is a bad idea) Rachel decides to stay in NYC to “look after Phoebe” as going to Ross’ wedding would just be too painful. I can’t stress enough at HOW PREGNANT Phoebe actually is… she’s carrying triplets people, TRIPLETS!!! In fact she is so close to popping that in S05 a few days after the others are back from London she goes into freakin labour… THAT PREGNANT!

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THIS PREGNANT!!! Balancing cereal on your belly level pregnant. 

Anyway, back to end of S04, Phoebe marvels at how well Rachel is handling Ross getting married, what with being in love with him and all. Then Rachel has this mini freakout at Phoebe, for not telling her that she (Rachel?!) is in love with Dr Dino. Really? So longish story short, Rachel packs a bag and fucks right off to London, leaving Phoebe’s very VERY pregnant ass at home, to go tell Ross (who is getting married) that she loves him, because “then he can make a decision having all the information”. Shitty friend move 1.

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What an idiot!

So, she doesn’t actually TELL Ross she loves him, so points to her there, BUT(T) after he says HER name at the altar instead of his fiance’s (which is exponentially worse that shouting out the wrong name in the throws of passion) and both Ross and Rachel end up at the airport, one waiting to go home and the other waiting for wifey to go on honeymoon, Ross (like a dipshit) asks Rachel to go on his honeymoon with him, you know as a friend, and she says no… Yeah right… that would mean shes not a bitch. She says yes!! Honestly, woman!!! Shitty person move 2.

Rachel goes to Greece alone, (cos wifey shows up just as they are about to go through and Ross runs after her) comes back and pretends that going alone was great. When wifey gives Dino-man an ultimatum: she’ll move to USA if Ross never sees Rachel again and Ross agrees, tells Rachel, she flips out. As if she didn’t plan to tell him she loved him on.his.wedding.day and as if Ross didn’t say her name at the altar on.his.wedding.day! Fast forward to the inevitable demise of Ross and wifey’s marriage, Rachel wastes zero time trying to get in there. Shitty friend/person move 3.

Ok, lets have a look a bit earlier in S04 where Ross announces his engagement, Rachel lies about the intensity of her and JoshUAH’s relationship, proposes to Joshua (who’s own divorce isn’t even final yet) and ultimately drives him away all because she has to save face. Shitty person move 4.

Actually, as a collection of friends who, at this point have been close friends for at least 5 years, they SUCK at being good friends. For instance Rachel comes back and Phoebe doesn’t even give her a stern talking to, you know, friend to friend, for just leaving her alone all pregnant and what not! Monica is the only one who attempts to talk sense into Rachel when she’s freaking out about Ross saying her name,  but lets be real it was with minimum effort. I would have clothes lined the shit out of Rachel as soon as I saw her trying to ruin another friend’s wedding. Joey had one job, look out for Rachel and stop her… but he gets distracted by boobs, Chandler is too busy chasing Monica ass to think anywhere north of his belt. It’s like none of these Friends really have each other’s backs. So a collective shitty friends move 5.

Anything Rachel related that you can think of?

 

The Perfect Family

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Have you ever thought, what makes the perfect family? HINT: It’s not Modern family, although they are pretty great. Parents who are involved with their children’s lives? Children who do not rebel? Aunts and uncles who just know when to not bring that annoying friend of their cousin along to family braais? Parents who aren’t divorced? Grandparents who aren’t dead? (I know you were thinking it)

No, all of those things are great, but the perfect family is one that has all of the following:

A mechanic: (Unless you are a family of Amish) Everyone that owns a car will know the dread that fills you when your first service comes along and you have to form out hard earned cash to keep that car going smoothly. Or you’re merrily driving along and BAM the engine falls out. Que, the greasy uncle with the plumber but. Cheap quality fix. Sorted.

An electrician/plumber: If you are lucky (and don’t live in a rural area in a third world country) you have running water as well as electricity in your house. You also know what a bitch it is when either of those give you problems.

A high school maths teacher: Extra math lessons are so expensive and tutoring even more so. Why not have an in house teacher that can lighten the burden. Maths is a brilliant subject and society would have you believe otherwise. Rather have it be a teacher that has a passion for the craft, if they are just doing it for the money (nevermind, we all know teachers in SA don’t get paid enough to only teach for the money – Which is a damn shame by the way. These folks are shaping young minds into the future leaders… Maybe if a certain leader had a teacher who got paid a decent salary this leader would have learned something and not left school). I say highschool maths because as far as I can remember, high school maths was all inclusive. It dealt with the foundations of every kind of maths that you might get exposed to. Hey I might be wrong, but if I had a maths teacher in my family I would know better. (Kidding… slightly)

A doctor/dentist: Having a check-up at both of these are crazy expensive. Unfortunately there are just some times where going to the Doc is unavoidable. Apparently one should visit the dentist at least once a year. No one says what the protocol is for if you have great teeth already… anyway.

On that note – A veterinary doctor: Cos if something happened to Mr Whiskerson you would not know how to cope. Animal care is expensive, even just a check-up cos that cute new kitten is throwing up and not eating at all, and you just can’t think about the kitten dying.

A massage therapist: The world is seemingly stressful. We sit in traffic all day to go to a job where our deadlines are overlapping each other to come home and worry about our children’s math grades and have to fix our cousin’s car. Does this one need further explanation?

A hairdresser: Hair grows… duh. Having someone in the family that can tame your mane would save you so much money. Even if your hairdresser is cheap, you would need to fork out money every month or at the least every 2 months for a haircut.

An accountant/CA: Who else is going to do the taxes for all these folks, or advise them on what would be the best discount to give their fellow family members because of their various services? This is more a business opportunity that anything else, so many working people in one family, it just makes sense.

A pilot: This is panning out to be a big family, and reunions are expensive. One pilot family member with a plane and bam!!

A lawyer: Big family like this, there is bound to be at least one unruly cousin that needs legal representation. Or, Aunty Pilot landed on a highway because saying “I will turn this thing around” does not work in mid-air so you gotta ground that bitch to get your point across.

Lastly, a housing developer: This has to be a close knit family that live close to each other. The housing developer can build them their own little community. Sorted.

Reason I say family is because family has a certain obligation to help family, especially when they know that they can’t NOT help their cousin with their car since that cousin is giving them free haircuts. With friends there is no real sense of obligation, also, friends have their own demands from their own family.

 

Declare

The power of life and death lies in the tongue.                                                       Proverbs 18:21

We hear that piece of scripture many times, we swear and somewhere out of the dust this old ass granny jumps out and quotes good ol’ Sols’ words as if she wrote them herself. Your annoying sibling distracts you while you are concentrating on placing that jenga block just so, and it all smashes down and you call him an eeeedjit and granny, again, rises from the mist and dust to proverb the proverb to you. You KNOW the verse (and if you are me, you know it in 2 languages). But do we know what it means? Sure we know what the words mean, and we know that life is good and death is bad. We catch a glimpse of the meaning when granny tells you to stop saying “I am so stupid” or something along those lines. “Don’t declare that over yourself”

I recently caught the meaning in a big way. We make declarations in church when we give tithes and offerings. I know the one off by heart already:

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In this year alone I have received a better job, a bonus, an inheritance in the form of a car, debts have been paid off, expenses have decreased. Yes, sometimes I don’t pay attention when we do the corporate declaration, but I believe that God pays attention every time. And He’s like, ”I’m gonna honour you, as you are honouring me with your offering and tithes.”

It is good to have declarations in your life, when you feel like shit as you open your eyes in the morning, you declare the opposite, you declare that “Today is going to be a good day”, when you feel like you just can’t cope and you are buckling under the pressure you lean onto the Word and declare “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” for the power of life and death does truly lie in the tongue.