Stay home for the holidays.

December in South Africa is a lovely time of year for a number of reasons… It’s warm, it’s sunny, it’s holiday time – which means it’s beach, swim, sand, sun time, it’s resting time (although no one really rests). Oh yes, and somewhere in there it’s that Christmas thing also.

cape-town-father-christmas

Ho Ho Ho-ly crap, I didn’t need to see Santa’s bells.

If you are from Johannesburg, you inevitably want to migrate to the coasts to show off just exactly how little sun you get. Forcing the coastal locals to wear ultra-tinted sunglasses to prevent arc-eye from happening, because the sun reflecting off of your milky white torso and legs is blindingly dangerous! This migration results in long hours on the road, swearing at fellow Vaalies and roadworks (that never seem to end), long queues for the much needed caffeine fix, or toilet break, that ensures the safe arrival at your preferred coastal destination.

So, no resting there, then while at the coast you try and be as touristy as possible, if you migrated to the Cape you inevitably want to go to Table Mountain, do a Wine Route or 10, go to Robben Island etc etc etc. If you migrated to Durban you probably want to go to uShaka Marine world, or visit those Rastafarian caves. To be honest I don’t know Durban all that well, it never was a December destination for our family.

Island

Couple that with having to visit anyone you have ever known who lives remotely close to where you will be vaca-ing and you have a pretty jam-packed stress-inducing trip, masquerading as a holiday. Then you get back to Johannesburg, the epitome of a rat race, and you THINK you are ready for the new year because you left your house, city and people in search of solace and peace by going to where EVERYONE else is also going. Good luck. It’s a placebo effect. Simply because you spent all your money on a holiday, you took pictures of said holiday, you ended up in hospital because coastal sun is unfriendly to your non-sunblock using ass, you assume that the stress of the previous year is away. SURPRISE, it’s hiding under all that sea sand that will inevitably get onto every piece of clothing you own. 6 Months after your vacation you will still find sand in your hair, even if you are bold. BELIEVE ME!

If you are from a coastal town that gets the annual migration of pale Vaalies then you also get no rest, no peace. Your traffic increases, your usual spot on the beach gets taken, your local store’s prices go up because hey, where else will theses local tourists go for their shopping. And because the Vaalies can shop nowhere else, the restaurants and shops are inevitably fuller, meaning you have to find a less satisfying place to eat. Lets face it, a city rat will ALWAYS need to shop for pointless things, it’s how you spot them in the wild. You get sucked into hurricane Vaalie every holiday season and it takes you about 3 months to recoup.

My advice, as a seasoned human being, Vaalie and Cape Townian, STAY AT HOME!! Especially if you are from Johannesburg. Stay in Joburg, it might be the first time you can drive out of Rosebank toward ANYWHERE ELSE on a Monday afternoon at 4pm and NOT sit in traffic for a day and a half. It might be the only time you will not want to commit a crime of the bodily harm type when you venture into a mall. It might be the only time that you will not have to deal with as many obnoxious Vaalies as usual. It might also be the first year that you don’t go into borderline financial ruin because you didn’t take out another loan to pay for your vacation, which always costs way more than you anticipated.

Money

After EVERY SINGLE Christmas holiday.

“But what is there to do?” Plenty! There is so much you can do during the holidays in Joburg. Some of them you will even get paid for. Short list of things you could do while in Joburg during December:

  • If you live alone, or even if you don’t, you could offer your superb house sitting skills to all the Vaalies that are leaving. Offer to walk people’s pooches, feed their animals, backwash the pool. The works. Folks pay good money and it doesn’t take a whole day to just make sure nothing is broken or dead.
  • If you need less rest than the average rat, then you could try and find a December job. Bartend, waiter, Razzle Dazzle, promote. All kinds of things. I don’t know how many places are looking for temps but it can’t hurt to try, hey?
  • If you do need more rest than the usual, you could get yourself a few cold ones, find out which folks have the coldest pool and just hang around till you look like you have been at the coast the whole time. Seriously, that’s what the Vaalies that went to the coast are doing anyway. Let’s face it, Vaalies are shit scared of the ocean!
2806004-jaws

And they blame this movie… Tsk

  • If you need rest but at the same time need to keep busy because you are a busy little rat, then take up a vacation hobby. Redo a room in your house, paint a wall, break out a wall, build a desk. Find a place that sells those shipping pallets and get building. PINTEREST BITCHES!! Everyone knows how to hammer a nail. One up all the vacationers by starting to gym now already then you will feel better about your inevitable New Year’s resolution, and you will already be in a routine.
  • If you are not the physical labour sort then read some brain dead books, or read life enriching books. READ is my point there. Get yourself some of these adult colouring books and get cracking on those hand cramps. Or play games, PlayStation, Xbox, PC name your poison and there is a game for you. Or you could legitimately watch an entire season of Friends, catch up on Suits, start watching Game of Thrones and veg the whole time! Get take away pizza and build yourself a pizza box fort. No one will judge… Except me, I will judge!
box_fort_by_asilentbob

Let me know how your cholesterol is treating you…

  • If you want to tourist in Johannesburg, there are plenty of places you can go to that do not close, even on Christmas day (sad, I know). You could go to any of the botanical gardens, you could go to Orlando Towers and get your adrenaline pumping (which also helps with stress relief) by bungee jumping or free falling, you could go to any of the wildlife parks like the Lion Park or the Rhino & Lion Park or any of the zoos. Hell, if you want animal interaction volunteer at an SPCA. If you want to spend a little more money than usual, you could go to places like Sun City or Gold Reef City. Or you could visit museums and monuments in Johannesburg and Pretoria or go check out the Cradle of Humankind. The province is your oyster.

For a few tips on some free shit to do in Johannesburg read HERE!

Whatever you plan to do, I hope you keep in mind that simply because you are on vacation does not mean that everyone else is, so don’t be mean to those who still have to work and serve you. Be kind, everyone is trying to unwind. Also, please chill the freak out on the road people, every single year people die on the road because they either think they can drive for 14 hours straight without resting (red bull gives wings and heart problems, not supernatural staying awake powers) or they can drink and party for 14 hours straight and then drive 5 kms home.

keep-calm-and-dont-be-a-dumbass-3

Advertisements

The Bucket List V1

Everyone knows what a bucket list is. For those of you only now leaving the dark ages, a bucket list is a list of things you would like to do or achieve before you essentially kick the bucket… lovely euphemism right there. Before you croak… die… before the spark of your life becomes smothered in shite! (Compliments of A Knight’s Tale, a-thank-you)

In lieu of this, I have 10 things that I would start my list off with. These are subject to change because I have the attention span of several highly trained goldfish! (FYI, goldfish can be trained to remember obstacle courses and such… MIND=BLOWN)

1. Travel (this needs a subsection of it’s own)
I want to travel to so many places, and yet I can’t pin point them all and why I want to go there. But for now, I want to travel to Greece to go to the Acropolis, Mt Olympus, go to all the Greek isles, especially Delos, and see where the myths originated from. Ancient Greece is a big fascination of mine!

acropolis

Acropolis Hill

2. Start a business
I have no idea what business but I want to start one and I want to NOT work for The Man, but rather earn my own salary, paid with blood sweat and tears.

3. Swim with a great white shark (no cage)
Because why not? I can think of nothing that would be more adrenalin filled than this.

Shark

Ocean Ramsey swimming with a great white… She might be my new hero!

4. Fly in a fighter jet
Oh, no wait, this and the shark thing could be competing for the adrenaline spot! I always wanted to be a fighter pilot, but I would have to settle (I hate that word) for flying in a jet.

Saab gets

I mean come on!! How amazing does that look?

5. Open a cheetah sanctuary
I love cheetahs, and they are a vulnerable species. I would love to open a sanctuary where they can be protected and where they are able to live with minimal cages.

Cheetah

6. Obtain at least one degree
I am already working towards this one, year one of (hopefully) 4 years is over. One should never cease the fight for more knowledge… Although I would rather my knowledge become wisdom.

7. Live in the Western Provence, on the beach, or at least close enough to walk.

diaz-beach-cape-point

YAAAAASSSSS PLEASE!!

Because if home is where your heart is and my heart is in Cape Town, then it only makes sense to have a reunion. And while I am there…

8. Learn to surf properly
Ever since the movie Blue Crush came out in 2002 I have had the desire to become a surfer. I have had 2 lessons that ended rather depressingly but I WILL surf one day. I don’t care how old I am or how difficult it might be to learn!

surf

DUUUUUDE!!!

9. Learn to speak Spanish and Zulu
-Spanish – because it’s sexy and then I could go to Spain and shock em all…
-Zulu – because Zulu is the most spoken language in South Africa and it is not fair that the majority of the people in SA should struggle with a language that is not their own – English. The least I could do is learn Zulu so that I can communicate better in a more respectful way with my fellow countrymen/women.

10. Go to Tomorrowland in Belgium
This is probably the biggest one of them all, I REALLY REALLY want to go to Tomorrowland. Have you SEEN what it looks like? Take a look:

Yes, it is expensive and yes, it looks like it will be cramped but so what? It would be the experience of a lifetime. I have gone to a large music festival before, and it was amazing. Also, Afrikaans and Flemish is VERY closely related so that would be fun!

BONUS!! See God’s glory increase on the earth
Because that’s what we are created for. All the other things on this list can fall away, but if I am not living my life in a way that brings glory to God and expands that glory and the knowledge of His Kingdom then I want nothing else.

Matthew 6:33 – But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.