Owning an interview like a boss!

I think recently landing a new job qualifies me as an expert in nailing an interview. So in my EXPERT opinion, here are some pointers that I have not seen anywhere else during my research on how to do well in an interview.

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“Yes, we are judging you”

  1. Make sure you have no eye gunk (that stuff that collects during the night in the corner of your eye), it’s gross and distracting.
  2. If you need to fart, keep it in. Seriously, don’t trust that it will be silent. And you better know that even if it is silent, that thing could clear a funeral home out.
  3. Don’t eat a ton of garlic on your pizza the night before. Same goes for fish. (who eats fish on pizza anyways?) Just trust me on this one… You will smell like an Italian kitchen or those dodgy fish markets. It seeps through your sweat gland things on your skin. Just. NO!
  4. Under no circumstances should you ask your interviewer what his/her zodiac sign is and it is NEVER okay to yell “SAMESIES” when they do answer with your sign. (To be honest, who still cares about star signs??)
  5. Same goes for asking the interviewer where they are from.
  6. Actually, just don’t ever use the word SAMESIES in an interview. EVER!!!
  7. Interviewers find it really distracting when you wipe the snot you spent 2 minutes digging out your nose, under the chair. Also, don’t yell “We’ve struck gold” when you finally get it out. It’s disconcerting.
  8. This goes without saying, but never EAT said snot. (Keep it for later)
  9. Don’t stand up in the middle of the interview and start pacing up and down with your hands behind your back. This is not a boxing ring. Sit down, son!
  10. When your coffee arrives, don’t take out your flask to ‘spice it up’, at least offer the interviewer some. He/she has to sit in there with your snot eating ass. If they decline, don’t remind them that it’s past noon somewhere in the world.
  11. Don’t take your shoes off mid-interview and ask their opinion on the toe fungus that you have had for the last few months after your trip to find the lost city of Atlantis.
  12. Don’t whip out photos of your pets or children unless asked to do so. Do not ask your interviewer if you could come visit to see their exotic collection of Amazonian tree ants either.
  13. It is frowned upon to take out a picnic basket and start eating cold meats and bread with stinky cheese during an interview. Even if you offered some to the interviewer.
  14. Words or phrases like yoh, swag, dude, bro, bruh, my niggah, gangsta, dope, dawg, trippin’ etc are not proper interview terminology. Do not walk into the interview room and say “Nigga, you trippin’, these offices are dope. I could hang here” You are not Fiddy Cent, neither are you in a Bad Boys movie. (How cool would it be if you were either?)
  15. Do not stare unblinkingly into your interviewer’s eyes. Also, don’t lick your lips or take out a knife while doing so. (Calm down Dexter) Interviewers scare easily!
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“I could stab you in the eye with my glasses!!!”

I hope you can benefit from these pointers.

Always remember to be yourself, unless you suck, then be someone else.

Peace out, homie!

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