Removing Nice from Your Vocabulary 

I do not usually reblog, I might have to work on that, but Megan over at Wise Ass Life Coaching is funny as all heck and THIS post of hers is mint!! Go read her blog!

The Wiseass Life Coach

I will never claim to be the best at speaking (or writing) eloquently but inhale a linguistic pet peeve I Would very much like to discuss with you. There is an overused four letter word that is driving me fucking bananas.

The word is nice.

If I were to ask you what nice meant you’d be like “um, uh, it’s like nice,you know,” because typically we’re not using the word nice a synonym of pleasant, which is it’s primary definition.

Collectively, let’s work on changing the way we describe things, be a little more succinct. To aid you in this progression toward enlighten discriptions I have listed some common phrases and alternatives for those common phrases and their various inflections below.

He’s a nice guy.

  1. He’s a less than impressive man but there is nothing specifically wrong with him.
  2. He’s a bit of a weirdo.
  3. He’s good enough for…

View original post 168 more words

Traffic madness: 5 Ways to deal

No matter who you are, you have probably at one point or another been stuck in traffic that seems like it is not going anywhere. For some of you it takes only about 30 minutes to get home and calm down. For the other not so blessed individuals, they are stuck for hours, going at a snail’s pace, to AND from work. Stuck behind the same old cranked up car! To be honest, no job is worth hours of traffic but that’s just me. As I sat in traffic today for about an hour (thank GOD, I was not the driver) I found myself, and my very short attention span, trying to find something to keep myself busy with.

Here then,  are 5 ways to deal with big city traffic… small town people who say that waiting at the ONE traffic light in the main street for 5 minutes longer is hectic traffic, go away! Your cows need a-milkin’!!

344408_v1

1. Math brain
In primary school my maths teacher said that to boost our time’s table skills we should use the number plates of a car while we are going to and from school eg. If the number plate looks like this (Gauteng – SA) XCB 543 GP then you tdo 5 x 4, 5 x 3 and 4 x 3… simple easy stuff. 14 years later I still find myself doing that, thanks Teach! So try that one. What I have also started doing is working out what the first 2 numbers times the last one would be eg. 54 x 3. You know, keep that grey matter on its toes and what not!!

2. Count cars
If you now have the counting stars song stuck in your head… you. are. welcome!Also when I was very young, and I used to go to work with my mom, I used to count how many little VW beetles I saw on the road. Usually, it would be a “Punch buggy black” moment as a fist connects with arm flesh but, my mom punched me back after almost crashing the car so I quickly stopped that and ended up just counting them. My mom is still against the punch buggy idea… such a buzz kill. Nowadays, there are way less old VW beetles on the road so this game would be boring AF. That is why now, I now count how many luxury cars I see. And by luxury cars, I don’t mean Lambo’s and Ferrari’s. South Africa is a 3rd world nation, dear reader, look it up… we don’t have enough to count in one traffic sitting. I would count the fancy BMW’s, Merc’s, Audi’s… and I would get double points for a Lambo, Ferrari, Maserati etc.

Kanye-West-Lamborghini-matte-3

I have yet to see one of these… but as it is Kanye West’s, he probably sold it to get rid of some of that debt. AS IF!

3. People judging watching
One of my personal favorites, in and out of traffic. Preferably in a mall with a cup of coffee and an equally judgmental friend with whom to compare notes. In a car this is also fun, you do end up talking to yourself. But hey, who will know? I do that all the time anyway. No one understands me like I do, and even I struggle.

Anyway, with the judging I try and see how many cellphone users I see, and then in my own passive aggressive way I will try and indicate to them that they should not be on their phone… they never listen. Or, like today, I spotted a lady digging for diamonds, so far up her nose, she could change her mind manually. Thank goodness, I wasn’t driving because I was as interested as her, as to what was gonna come out. Then as she pulled her finger out her nose, I claimed a small victory in shouting out “TO THE MOUTH” and seconds later she put that same finger in her mouth, making sure to get every last morsel. Well done lady, well done! Oh, and I will not apologise for the snotty comment, a-thank you.

Picking-nose01

Surely more diamonds are not needed, Highney!

4. Day dream about the other drivers
Yeah, I might be alone on this one but, I imagine what lives the fellow traffic sitters have. OR I make up the conversations they might be having. I form whole lives and 50 year back stories for these folks, what jobs, families and friends they have. I also feel the slight tug of abandonment when they exit the traffic and don’t even wave goodbye. We drove for how long in the same traffic and you don’t even say goodbye, asshole! Again, this might only be me!

5. Listen
There are these amazing motivational talks available on YouTube, get them and play them while you drive. The one up top here is 2 hours long… loads of listening time!! This stuff pumps you up and gets you fired up for work. Granted there is a lot of swearing but, you are reading my blog so yeah, I think you can handle the swearing. If you don’t need motivation or can’t handle the swearing, then get some audio books. If that is still not your flavour then (with the use of a handsfree kit, DO NOT TALK OR TEXT ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING) phone a friend and have a lekker chat. (WhatsApp calls are cheap and the lag will add to the time consumption).

Use the traffic as a way of winding down after work, so that you don’t have to do that when you get while devouring that pizza because “I was in traffic all day, I deserve this for not killing everyone!!”

Anything you do while stuck in traffic?

Defusing the Office-bomb: 10 Pointers

As an office manager (of some sorts) and a person*, I feel I am in a position to give advice on the inner workings of the office environment. I also like to think that I am succeeding at being a likeable human being, for the most part. I have not heard any accounts to the contrary, maybe that’s because the ones who do not like me, are scared of me. I jest… kinda!

Anyway, to the matter at hand. I have seen and heard way too many accounts of office politics and I have to say, surely we should have left our hair-pulling, shin-kicking and gossiping ways on the PRIMARY (for the ‘Murican readers – Elementary School) school playground? Surely, if you work in an office you should have the ability to talk things out as a grown up, take the emotional punches as a grown up and you know, carry on with life without a grudge AS. A. GROWN. UP?

Here are some pointers that I would give, mahala, to anyone who is entering into the world of boring cubicles and crabby people. If, however you feel that you want to carry on with your childish behaviour, then please take your negative ass away from my blog and complain about the “vibe at the coffee machine” to someone else.

1. If you are wrong, OWN THE EFF UP TO IT!!!
A lot of times in a working environment the tensions are high and something goes wrong. Someone made a boo-boo and someone has to take the blame. If that is you, the one who made a boo-boo and who consequently has to take the blame [JUSTICE IS SERVED], then please for the love of sausages and mash, zip your howling screamer* and take the blame. If you messed up, take the punch like a man, or woman. A lot of times the managers are trying to figure out HOW the mess was made, to try and reverse it, or trace the steps, rather than WHY it was made. You, trying to bullshit your way out of it is in many cases stalling the inevitable and making yourself look way more incompetent than you might be. Spare everyone and just take it. Rub some dirt on it, be a man!* If you made a mistake, please don’t let someone else take the fall for it! Miss Karma knows where the heck you live!

2. At all times, know EVERYTHING about your contract of employment, and what your country’s laws of employment are.
There are too many people who do not know the terms of their contract, or even if they HAVE a contract. Shockingly there are even more people who don’t know the laws of the land regarding employment. Knowledge is the potential of power. [I know that’s not the actual quote but I like that one more]. Also, don’t sign a contract that you have not read thoroughly and do not understand. Don’t be a sheep!! Technically sheep can’t read or sign a contract, but you get what I’m saying.

This little hint might save you some heartache or tension in the future. Things like how many hours of work a week is legal as opposed to what your contract states. Also, if you find out that you signed for something in your contract that differs from the law of the land, then you can’t always dispute it. READ!! That’s why you went to school!

3. Have the ability to separate work relationships from personal relationships.
A lot of times we start building friendships around the office, it’s understandable. We spend a crap load of time at work. You need to be able to separate your beer drinking relationship from the report sending relationship that you have. Don’t let the way your manager treated you because you didn’t hand in the report on time, even though you both have a hangover from the previous night of drinking beers together, influence the way you feel about or act towards them at the next beer drinking night. Unless you already don’t like them then, FUEL THE FIRE!! I joke, don’t do that.

4. COMMUNICATE!!
I don’t know why I even have to put this one in here as a tip for better office whatnots. This is Foundational Human Behavioural Tips 101 [Book to be released soon]. Communicate! If you are going to be late for work due to Godzilla ripping up the bridge, let your boss know, take a photo and snapchat that baby, get rich and retire. If you are feeling ill, had an accident of the vehicle variety [or the soiled pants variety, you never know] then let the relevant people know that you are either not going to be able to come in or request to go home. This is so basic, always keep an open line of communication with your colleagues [I ALWAYS have to spell check that dang word]. If you have a problem at work with someone, then talk about it with them. On that note…

5. Do not gossip XOXO
PEOPLE, for the love of Deadpool [sidenote: GO SEE THE MOVIE!!] please do not gossip about your, friends, colleagues [Again with the spell check… one day I will spell this word without having to spell check] especially bosses at or away from the office with a fellow colleague [Hmf, so close]. Do not entertain it, do not get involved in it, it’s like that booger sugar [Cocaine according to Kevin Hart] thing, one sniff and you are hooked. I know you totally want to know what the heck the idiot down in accounts did now, but DON’T! If you have beef with someone, don’t gossip about them. Even if you don’t have beef with someone, gossiping about them, or even being around people who are gossiping about them, is sure to bring a whole cow right to your cubicle!

6. Ask and ye shall receiveth.
Again on the note of communicationI know you can probably figure the excel formula out yourself, well done Sparky. But in figuring it out yourself you might have wasted precious time. Same thing if you were listening to instructions being yammered off by a manager with auctioneer abilities and you just couldn’t completely make out what was being said. Or the instructions are clear but you are struggling with the actual work. Ask for help, ask a fellow colleague [NAILED IT] ask your manager. If your manager is a tyrant, then make sure that you asked everyone or tried everything you could, EVEN GOOGLE [surely, you know by now that Google is the friend you don’t deserve], before you go into your manager’s office with your tail between your legs, and if you find yourself in there, DON’T MUMBLE! Your manager was once where you are now (no, not the bathroom in your house, unless the beer drinking happened there) and hopefully they remember what it was like in the pit!

7. Keep things clean.
Listen up, you are not a 5-year-old anymore. Clean up around yourself, keep your working space tidy! Don’t think that because the company pays for a cleaning service, you can now just leave your desk looking like a crime scene. If you dirtied a mug, WASH IT! If you tried to be Shaq and shoot a balled up paper into the bin from 3m away and it missed, don’t just leave it lying on the floor. [Get yo’ ass up, pick the paper up and try again! Don’t give up that quickly!]  If you are able to function in controlled chaos without the murder, well done. Just remember your manager, or if you are the manager, your appy, must be able to walk to your desk and find whatever they need if you happen to be absent or whatnot. Same goes for your emails… keep it clean and professional. This is not Facebook or Twitter or whatever where you punctuate every sentence with a ;). And PHU-LEASE, dnt typ a emale 2 ur #peeps lik dis! Grow up!

8. If you are in a managerial position, then be a MANAGER not an asshole tyrant!!
This is a very serious one to me, I can’t tell you how often I see managers who in fact, cannot MANAGE people. It starts with managing yourself, I think. Being a manager is a privilege, not a right! You need strong inter-personal skills, emotional intelligence, leadership skills and a big set of balls (yes ladies, you too) to manage people. If you don’t have either of these then you need a military grade safety belt, cos it’s gonna be a flippen bumpy ride. Do some kind of people managing course, go to a leaders seminar, find a course that helps you deal with your social anxiety, freakin deal with your personal crap or the crap you are getting from YOUR managers BEFORE you deal with the sheep you shepherd. So many people complain about their working environment not because of office politics, but because their boss is a %#@*. If your boss was a %#@* when you first started out, that doesn’t mean you should follow suit.

9. Go through the ranks.
Something happened with a fellow work colleague [♪♫Ain’t no stopping me now♫♪] at work that you feel uncomfortable with, or you have beef with someone and you have tried sorting it out with them physically face-to-face but the situation is not improving. Don’t escalate the matter all the way to the CEO of the group. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat! Speak to that person’s direct superior, if that person is unavailable and the matter is of the AMBER kind then go to the next level manager. Don’t go over someone’s head unless you have tried without avail to communicate with the relevant person.

10. Have a positive mindset… or quit!
If you hate your job and no amount of anti-depressants and/or happy pills are making you feel less stabby, and you have also tried all the communication and whatever else you could to make it better, then change your attitude or GTFO!! Honestly, your negativity is not making your working situation any better. If you tried the attitude change for a good amount of time (not just a day) and things didn’t improve then it’s time to pack your things and fly into the sunset. Please don’t quit your job before you have a new one lined up, and don’t start slacking at your current job after you have resigned. Always try and keep things on good terms, you never know when you might need to deal with your ex-colleagues [I am the master now] again.

It’s been real! Tell me what you have learnt in your office experience and think I should have on my list.

Kind regards [END YOUR WORK EMAILS LIKE THIS!!!]
Your friendly neighbourhood office colleague [I had to]!

[Jokey me talking, the *’s are quotes… see if you know from where]

Thank you, Dankie, Siyabonga

4 years

YOWZAH!!!

You stumbled upon my ramblings one day and decided to stay and for that I want to thank you! You didn’t judge my swearing, the odd typo or weird reading sentence. You kept coming back to my words and drew sustenance from them as if your very essence could be… yeah I went to far!

To you, my follower, I want to say thank you! My blog is 4 years old and recently (in like, the last week) I hit 400 followers. That, to me is pretty big. I can’t physically give you all a hug but I can hug my PC (Chandler style from the 2:25 mark)

Omdat ek ‘n hele paar Afrikaanse troepe ook het, hierdie een is vir julle… 1…2…3 ♪♫ eeeeeeeeek sêêêêê, baie baie dankie♫♪ vir jou oë! Dit klink creepy! Ag dankie dat jy my geskrubbel lees en aanhou terug keer! Julle ondersteuning in die Ingelse wêreld maak dit vir my soveel lekkerder om al julle kommentaar te lees maak my voel dat julle regtig omgee! I’m getting all soppy haha.

Catch up witcha laters!
Liezel

Pro Tip:
Don’t keep your car’s spare keys IN the actual CAR!!
That’s not a smart move!

Dear youngens…

Do not take any situations for granted. Don’t ever think that nothing will benefit your life and do what you can to suck the life’s wisdom out of the more life experienced people around you, because believe you me, this will go a long way to your personal growth.

So, you have a curfew and your mom is breathing down your neck? Stop being an idiot and be thankful that you have a roof over your head. If your folks can’t pay for studies don’t use that as an excuse to loaf around. This is why working hard in school to get good grades is important. SCHOLARSHIPS or as us South Africans know it, bursaries! Your good grades make it easier on your folks to give you a good education! Unfortunately, most of you youngens, and most of us experienced stock, will only learn this long after the train has left the station. Leaving us standing there on the platform with the ticket in our hands and a confused look on our faces. Not even sure where we were going.

A child educated

Also, work on developing your pervasive qualities and skills, these are things that will help you to apply the theory you pick up in school or wherever, in the real world. I call it street smarts! If you gots the street smarts, then you can apply the book smarts in a more effective way. Things like professionalism, ethical behaviour, being a life-long learner, being able to communicate effectively are all things that will take you to the next level quicker. Future employers look at, and even REQUIRE these qualities from future employees!

Sometimes you are even able to get a job purely based on your street smarts. Then THAT job, combined with you still living rent free can lead to you furthering your own education! Yes, it’s hard work and yes you will have to be super disciplined. So freakin what? Stop being lazy and feeling entitled! Spend time with people who inspire you, if you want to be a doctor, find a doctor and spend time with him/her, ask questions, make observations. Soak up the brilliance. Be around people who share your vision and cut out people who cloud it!

b765168d7a34b441e8684d43eb27b692

Make things happen for yourself while it is still socially acceptable for you to live with the rentals. Because by the time it is no longer socially acceptable, then you are well on your way! You are then qualified and with your book- and street smarts you are equipped to take on the world and kick ass. Unless you are a pansy and too scared to step out of the comfy life into the desert that is independence!

And if you are unsure of what your passion is or what you would like to do, then my advice to you is, don’t wait 9 years before you at least try something. I am all for gap years, they serve a purpose. It is like the sorbet of life; it cleanses the pallet for the next meal! It readies you! Don’t get stuck in the gap though, one cannot live on sorbet alone! Do something, ANYTHING, that will give your life meaning on the greater scale.

341907fc77e6b00133642ceb05333fcc

You owe it to yourself, your parents and greatest of all, to your Maker!

Sincerely,
The adults of the world!!