Quoting Dylan!

*First of all, I tried to post this yesterday… didn’t work… Therefore, there will be 2 today, so I don’t break the thing*

I watch a lot of Dylan Moran. When I say a lot, I want you to think about what a lot means, and then multiply that number by like 50.

Who is this Dylan Moran, you ask? Well he is an Irish comedian/actor. He has a wife and children (if his stand-up stuff is anything to go by).

Anyway, I was racking my brain about content for this post (we are on 9 of 30… if you missed the others, click HERE) and I could not think of anything other than how much I wanted to watch Dylan Moran, then I thought, let me challenge myself to a quote-off, since yesterday’s post was about quotes.

So, the aim of the challenge is, I will quote Dylan from his shows and see how close I get to what he actually says. 10 Seems to be a good number, but just to be different let’s make it 11, 11 quotes.

  1. “What are children? Midget drunks. The kind of people who wake you up by kneeing you in the face.”

  2. “You measure what good a time you had by how much it f@#$ you up. You go out, get ripped, get shit faced. The next morning you are asked, “how was last night?” and you say, “It was fantastic, I can’t see. I have no sense of sensation, no feeling, no sensation on the left side of my body. I can’t even form sentences. You should have come, you would’ve at least lost an ear.”

  3. “This was also a time where a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, would open a hat box full of old memories. The curly-wurly wrapper that meant so much. The bundle of letters to painful to look at OR throw away. They need to be kept so that they can never be looked at again. A 9 speed, dual shaft, triple action… no that was a different time, a different time.”

  4. “Australia, why would anybody want to go there? It’s located ¾ of a mile from the surface of the sun. People audibly crackling as they pass you on the street. That’s why you don’t need to cook down there. You just bring the shit out, throw it on a grill and it bursts into flames. And if they don’t do that, they fling themselves into the sea, which is almost exclusively inhabited by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jelly fish, swimming knives, they’re all in there.”

  5. “People say that to you in your life, they go, “I love you, I love you.” “Yeah? Bring me a f@#$ing eclair.”

  6. “They’re not sophisticated. You are there, with the grandfather clock between your pajamaed knees staring at the mother f#$%er, thinking “please go home”. Look, I know we have had 7 or 8 bottles of wine and a half a bottle of whiskey, but I think you should drive, I do, I really do. I will personally cello-tape your hands to the wheel. Please go away from here.”

  7. “I know what you are thinking. Oh, do you? Do you really? I know what I am thinking too. I am thinking I’d like to be face down in a cushion, with my mouth filled with chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.”

  8. “Don’t open the door, because it won’t be like that. What you will probably find is a tiny startling blind cat with diarrhea, sitting on a mattress less, iron sprung bed, with his huge eyes meowing at you. As an emphysemic landlady untangles her pop socks and a guy turns the corner with an aubergine wearing a string vest going bashabasha ba… *making kissing noises*. That’s your potential.”

  9. “Wine, you have one of two bottles and then one of you says, “I know, I know, I know… let’s go potholing, in Croatia.” And you think, “Fine, I know a guy who can give us a lift. ME. Whiskey, turns you into 2 people, one goes up to total strangers and says, “come in come in sit down, for goodness sake have something, have my bed. And the other can co up to someone you have known and loved your entire life and says, “Get the F@#$ out of my house. Go on. Get out… and leave a tip.” Vodka is a very deceptive drink, they could market this to children. You can’t taste it you can’t smell it, why did we waste our money on a – why are we on a traffic island? Gin, gin is very dangerous. You need to be careful with gin, you also need to be 50, female and sitting on the stairs. “Nobody likes my shoes. I made, I made FIFTY F#$%ING vol-au-vents and not one of you, NOT ONE OF YOU, said thank you.” or “Everybody shut up, SHUT UP, this song is all about me”

  10. “Children have a lot of purpose in their walk, a walk that says, “I am going over here” and you say, “why are you going over there?” “Because I have a harmonica.” “Why do you have a harmonica?” “I am putting it in the toilet. Enough questions, goodbye.”

  11. “Men find it difficult talking to woman about childbirth. Because it always starts with a melon. “IMAGINE A MELON!! COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE. F@#$it, stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.”

These are the ones I can remember the best. I am not sure how well I did, I will do the actual quotes tomorrow later for comparison. I’ll also put the stand-up show in which he says the quote.

Stay tuned.

(I did the comparison – here you go)

One thought on “Quoting Dylan!

  1. Pingback: Quoting Dylan – From Where?! | lukraakvars

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