Quoting Dylan – From Where?!

*First of all, I broke the thing, It’s been rough being a part time student, full time working adult and full time gypsy*

My previous post was basically just me, being me. Quoting Dylan at people who did nothing to deserve it!! *You are WELCOME*.

Now I see how well I did…

1. “What are children? Midget drunks. The kind of people who wake you up by kneeing you in the face.”

ACTUAL: “What are they really? Children? Midget drunks. That’s what they are. You know, the odd people who greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face, talking gibberish” *Not off to a good start, are we*

2. “You measure what good a time you had by how much it f@#$ you up. You go out, get ripped, get shit faced. The next morning you are asked, “how was last night?” and you say, “It was fantastic, I can’t see. I have no sense of sensation, no feeling, no sensation on the left side of my body. I can’t even form sentences. You should have come, you would’ve at least lost an ear.”

ACTUAL: “you measure what a good time you had by how much it f@#$ you up; you go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You’ll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you and ask, “How was last night?” You’ll say, “It was fantastic! …I can’t see. No sens— no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can’t even form sentences! You should’ve come; you would’ve at least lost an ear!” *Listen, that one is pretty damn close, if I do say so myself.*

3. “This was also a time where a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, would open a hat box full of old memories. The curly-wurly wrapper that meant so much. The bundle of letters to painful to look at OR throw away. They need to be kept so that they can never be looked at again. A 9 speed, dual shaft, triple action… no that was a different time, a different time.”

ACTUAL: *I got the snippets wrong on this one and some of the wording… go have a look.*

4. “Australia, why would anybody want to go there? It’s located ¾ of a mile from the surface of the sun. People audibly crackling as they pass you on the street. That’s why you don’t need to cook down there. You just bring the shit out, throw it on a grill and it bursts into flames. And if they don’t do that, they fling themselves into the sea, which is almost exclusively inhabited by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jelly fish, swimming knives, they’re all in there.”

ACTUAL: *OK, it’s a long one so just watch the clip, again I left some parts out.*

5. “People say that to you in your life, they go, “I love you, I love you.” “Yeah? Bring me a f@#$ing eclair.”

ACTUAL: “You know, people say that to you: “I love you, I love you!” Yeah? Gimme a f@#$in’ eclair.” *So close*

6. “They’re not sophisticated. You are there, with the grandfather clock between your pajamaed knees staring at the mother f#$%er, thinking “please go home”. Look, I know we have had 7 or 8 bottles of wine and a half a bottle of whiskey, but I think you should drive, I do, I really do. I will personally cello-tape your hands to the wheel. Please go away from here.”

ACTUAL: *I am beginning to think that I should not have done this… but then I am also a bit impressed and a bit worried about how well I do remember these*

7. “I know what you are thinking. Oh, do you? Do you really? I know what I am thinking too. I am thinking I’d like to be face down in a cushion, with my mouth filled with chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.”

ACTUAL: “I know what you are thinking. Oh, do you? Do you really? Well done. I know what you’re thinking too. I know what everybody’s thinking. They’re thinking, I’d like to be lying face-down on a cushion… with my mouth full of chocolate… and something lovely happening to my lower half.” *I mean, that’s not bad*

8. “Don’t open the door, because it won’t be like that. What you will probably find is a tiny startling blind cat with diarrhea, sitting on a mattress less, iron sprung bed, with his huge eyes meowing at you. As an emphysemic landlady untangles her pop socks and a guy turns the corner with an aubergine wearing a string vest going bashabasha ba… *making kissing noises*. That’s your potential.”

ACTUAL: *It’s a long one, I got it quite wrong… the video is FUNNY so go check it out*

9. “Wine, you have one of two bottles and then one of you says, “I know, I know, I know… let’s go potholing, in Croatia.” And you think, “Fine, I know a guy who can give us a lift. ME. Whiskey, turns you into 2 people, one goes up to total strangers and says, “come in come in sit down, for goodness sake have something, have my bed. And the other can co up to someone you have known and loved your entire life and says, “Get the F@#$ out of my house. Go on. Get out… and leave a tip.” Vodka is a very deceptive drink, they could market this to children. You can’t taste it you can’t smell it, why did we waste our money on a – why are we on a traffic island? Gin, gin is very dangerous. You need to be careful with gin, you also need to be 50, female and sitting on the stairs. “Nobody likes my shoes. I made, I made FIFTY F#$%ING vol-au-vents and not one of you, NOT ONE OF YOU, said thank you.” or “Everybody shut up, SHUT UP, this song is all about me”

ACTUAL: *Again with the long one, at this point you are just watching a long Dylan Moran show. Didn’t do too badly, left some stuff out.*

10. “Children have a lot of purpose in their walk, a walk that says, “I am going over here” and you say, “why are you going over there?” “Because I have a harmonica.” “Why do you have a harmonica?” “I am putting it in the toilet. Enough questions, goodbye.”

ACTUAL: “When they’re walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they’re walking. And it’s a great walk as well, it’s not an adult’s sort of bemused shuffle, it’s that ‘I’m going over here.’ And you say ‘Why are you going over there?’ ‘Because I have a harmonica.’ ‘What are you doing with the harmonica?’ ‘I’m going to put it in the toilet.’ ‘Why are you doing tha—’ ‘Enough questions, goodbye!'” *Not bad*

11. “Men find it difficult talking to woman about childbirth. Because it always starts with a melon. “IMAGINE A MELON!! COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE. F@#$it, stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.”

ACTUAL: “How bad is it? What are we talking about here? “You know how painful is it? Like what? Long weekend in Adelaide? What are talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger…and it always starts with the melon…“IMAGINE A MELON!…COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE!…f@#$in’ stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move. *Meh*

These are from Monster, What It Is and Yeah Yeah.

PS. Going to try make up for lost time!!

Quoting Dylan!

*First of all, I tried to post this yesterday… didn’t work… Therefore, there will be 2 today, so I don’t break the thing*

I watch a lot of Dylan Moran. When I say a lot, I want you to think about what a lot means, and then multiply that number by like 50.

Who is this Dylan Moran, you ask? Well he is an Irish comedian/actor. He has a wife and children (if his stand-up stuff is anything to go by).

Anyway, I was racking my brain about content for this post (we are on 9 of 30… if you missed the others, click HERE) and I could not think of anything other than how much I wanted to watch Dylan Moran, then I thought, let me challenge myself to a quote-off, since yesterday’s post was about quotes.

So, the aim of the challenge is, I will quote Dylan from his shows and see how close I get to what he actually says. 10 Seems to be a good number, but just to be different let’s make it 11, 11 quotes.

1. “What are children? Midget drunks. The kind of people who wake you up by kneeing you in the face.”

2. “You measure what good a time you had by how much it f@#$ you up. You go out, get ripped, get shit faced. The next morning you are asked, “how was last night?” and you say, “It was fantastic, I can’t see. I have no sense of sensation, no feeling, no sensation on the left side of my body. I can’t even form sentences. You should have come, you would’ve at least lost an ear.”

3. “This was also a time where a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, would open a hat box full of old memories. The curly-wurly wrapper that meant so much. The bundle of letters to painful to look at OR throw away. They need to be kept so that they can never be looked at again. A 9 speed, dual shaft, triple action… no that was a different time, a different time.”

4. “Australia, why would anybody want to go there? It’s located ¾ of a mile from the surface of the sun. People audibly crackling as they pass you on the street. That’s why you don’t need to cook down there. You just bring the shit out, throw it on a grill and it bursts into flames. And if they don’t do that, they fling themselves into the sea, which is almost exclusively inhabited by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jelly fish, swimming knives, they’re all in there.”

5. “People say that to you in your life, they go, “I love you, I love you.” “Yeah? Bring me a f@#$ing eclair.”

6. “They’re not sophisticated. You are there, with the grandfather clock between your pajamaed knees staring at the mother f#$%er, thinking “please go home”. Look, I know we have had 7 or 8 bottles of wine and a half a bottle of whiskey, but I think you should drive, I do, I really do. I will personally cello-tape your hands to the wheel. Please go away from here.”

7. “I know what you are thinking. Oh, do you? Do you really? I know what I am thinking too. I am thinking I’d like to be face down in a cushion, with my mouth filled with chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.”

8. “Don’t open the door, because it won’t be like that. What you will probably find is a tiny startling blind cat with diarrhea, sitting on a mattress less, iron sprung bed, with his huge eyes meowing at you. As an emphysemic landlady untangles her pop socks and a guy turns the corner with an aubergine wearing a string vest going bashabasha ba… *making kissing noises*. That’s your potential.”

9. “Wine, you have one of two bottles and then one of you says, “I know, I know, I know… let’s go potholing, in Croatia.” And you think, “Fine, I know a guy who can give us a lift. ME. Whiskey, turns you into 2 people, one goes up to total strangers and says, “come in come in sit down, for goodness sake have something, have my bed. And the other can co up to someone you have known and loved your entire life and says, “Get the F@#$ out of my house. Go on. Get out… and leave a tip.” Vodka is a very deceptive drink, they could market this to children. You can’t taste it you can’t smell it, why did we waste our money on a – why are we on a traffic island? Gin, gin is very dangerous. You need to be careful with gin, you also need to be 50, female and sitting on the stairs. “Nobody likes my shoes. I made, I made FIFTY F#$%ING vol-au-vents and not one of you, NOT ONE OF YOU, said thank you.” or “Everybody shut up, SHUT UP, this song is all about me”

10. “Children have a lot of purpose in their walk, a walk that says, “I am going over here” and you say, “why are you going over there?” “Because I have a harmonica.” “Why do you have a harmonica?” “I am putting it in the toilet. Enough questions, goodbye.”

11. “Men find it difficult talking to woman about childbirth. Because it always starts with a melon. “IMAGINE A MELON!! COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE. F@#$it, stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.”

These are the ones I can remember the best. I am not sure how well I did, I will do the actual quotes tomorrow later for comparison. I’ll also put the stand-up show in which he says the quote.

Stay tuned.

(I did the comparison – here you go)

“And I quote”

I thought today I will try a different thing… Ima just throw some quotes at yah. I have been “collecting” these from an app called Brilliant Quotes. This app has a setting that you can chose to receive a daily quote at a certain time and then some days it does like a “5 quotes that will make me happy” thing.

I will limit it to 10 though, because if you are anything like me then you already wondered off like Dory singing “Just keep swimming”.. (ha ha ha ha oh oh I love to swiiiiming when you WAAAAAANT to swim you want to… wait… who we talkin’ bout?) So, as I was saying 10 quotes that I have been collecting.

Aaaaaand they’re off:

• Starting with the latest one I saved by Blaise Pascal –  “*a French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer and Catholic theologian. He was a child prodigy who was educated by his father, a tax collector in Rouen.”

I am sorry I wrote you such a long letter; I didn’t have the time to write a short one.

I love this! Talks about writing letters and it’s witty. Things I appreciate!

• NEXT!! Sticking with the witty, we have a bit of Marilyn Monroe– “*an American actress, model, and singer. Famous for playing comic “blonde bombshell” characters.”

When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I’m already better than them.

The last bit I don’t completely agree with, the whole “better than them” thing. But I think that’s what people in constant public scrutiny would say. But the confidence and the assurance that other people’s opinions about you don’t shape you is great.

• Now we have a literary genius, he wrote the Narnia books, C.S Lewis – “*a British novelist, poet, academic, medievalist, literary critic, essayist, lay theologian, broadcaster, lecturer, and Christian apologist.”

The safest road to hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

I’ll leave you with that one…

• On to another great writer, Mark Twain – “*an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer.”

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

Anything against fear is speaking my language. Fear holds you back from greatness, aint nobody got time for that.

• Then we get to the great visual artists, who also could paint with words Pablo Picasso – “*a Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker, ceramicist, stage designer, poet and playwright who spent most of his adult life in France.”

I am always doing what I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

Words I will one way live by… (but today is not that day)

• Some more art… martial art with Bruce Lee – “*a Hong Kong and American actor, film director, martial artist, martial arts instructor, philosopher, and founder of the martial art Jeet Kune Do, one of the wushu or kungfu styles.”

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

Easy is not always better.

• On to old school philosopher, Socrates – “*a classical Greek (Athenian) philosopher credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, and as being the first moral philosopher, of the Western ethical tradition of thought.”

Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.

Not entirely sure yet what to wonder about, but I wonder (haha) that if I keep wondering whether I would just become wiser by default? (I make a funny)

• Another philosopher from waaay back when, Aristotle – “*an ancient Greek philosopher and scientist born in the city of Stagira, Chalkidiki, in the north of Classical Greece.”

It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

In an educated world we still have people arguing about differences of opinion…

• Back to the writers, Oscar Wilde – “*an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of London’s most popular playwrights in the early 1890s.”

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Just some light-hearted stuff again. I think many people think that of themselves.

• We’ll close off with someone who is still alive, John Cleese – “*an English actor, voice actor, comedian, screenwriter, and producer.”

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

Asking the important questions, John!

* Source: Wikipedia

What are some of the best quotes you’ve heard?

 

6 Irritating things that irritate my irritated self

We all have those little things that irritate the SHIT out of us and unfortunately people who are close to us do those things, so we can’t legit just lose your shit because they are doing something that irritate you, because… they are friends and also they have a WHOLE arsenal full of shots to fire right back at your irritating ass. *HI FRIENDS*

Me me me, I’m steak!

With all of that I will take the first friendly fire:

1. The no answer call…

Picture, if you will, you are busy, showering, working, eating, spending time with a close friend, literally anything other than being on your phone *GASP… I know right* and you get back to your phone to see a missed call *or 5, sorry Mom* from another friend, colleague or family member. ONLY. A. MISSED. CALL!!! Listen, I cannot express to you how irritated I get when I see only a missed call from someone that I know, someone whose number is saved under my contacts, you obviously matter to me, Guy from Pizza place nr 2.

I immediately think one of two things happened: 1) You stopped being my friend (Or bringing me pizza), or 2) The rapture, and I got left behind!! Why did you not just leave a voice mail after my voice mail service requested that you do so? Are you too good for that? Or if you didn’t want to do that for some weird reason, why didn’t you send me a message saying WHY you tried to call me. I want you to know, if you dead call me, I will ignore that shit! It was obviously not important. *Unless you are the pizza man, don’t leave me*

I didn’t mean you…

2. The broken wing…

I wear make-up and when I do it for the fans I wing my eyeliner. I take pride in those wings, I didn’t even have to drink red-bull for those wings. But sometimes the stars don’t all align and sometimes my guardian angel is still checking Instagram while I am winging it… and it messes up. Now, I just want to say I have been winging it since before Taylor Swift knew someone was trouble, since before Katy Perry Kissed a Girl, since before Beyonce’s music got all out of whack.

My chicken… just everything!

I don’t use a stencil like the plebs, I free hands those babies, it’s a sense of pride and my pride takes a knock when the one breaks. Why the EFFFFFFFFF do I still mess it up? What!? Did I fly too close to the sun? Tell me, Icarus, is this what happens?

Shout out to these artists…

3. The ghost…

Technology has all but taken over our lives so naturally we text and social media all the live long day… which is exactly why I get soooooo frustratingly irritated if I sent you a message and I don’t get a reply… but your social media everything’s are updated. I’m seeing a new story on Whatsapp (those story things SUCK), like 5 new selfies and one inspirational quote on Instagram and all of a sudden your relationship status on Facebook is complicated… I spoke to you 3 mins ago, and I know you use your phone for social media. So what the freck? Are you a ghost? Am I a ghost? Am I Matthew McConaughey in the book case? AND THEN, 2 days later I get a message out of the blue, “Hey, how are you?” Are you for reals? *I realise this is petty and needy but, so what, your face is petty and needy*

4. The machine gun texter…

While on the topic of technology, I don’t understand why people send messages in installments. Why do you feel the need to make my phone sound like a Skillex song with it’s vibrations and sounds? I don’t understand why you can’t use your enter key and just make a space instead of sending. every. message. separately. Why do people do this?…

I will leave my phone for 2 hours when someone starts with that shit. After 2 hours I will come back and reply, to all your installments, with one long message, using the enter key to form a break so that you can know I am an educated human being and I know how to form paragraphs. Seriously, why are you machine gunning my phone? Just take a moment and think about what it is you want to say and then formulate a long coherent message.

5. Da lzy txtr…

I can’t!!! I just, I, it, it just makes me so mad. I cannot take you seriously as an adult if you reply to my message, asking you if you will be joining the drinks evening on Saturday, with “Hi, Ya I wll b der. wot mus I gt I dnt knw wer u lve snd pin” I want to contact your high school and negotiate a refund. I seriously wonder what people do with the time they save from not typing a word correctly. Are you volunteering at a childrens’ home, in which case, you really shouldn’t cos you can’t be trusted!! That is how I feel about that. *Getchoh sheeit togethah!! – I spelt it that way cos you can’t hear how I said it*

Just a quick side note… if you use any of the vernacular of the youngens *AKA scum* I will block you! I don’t even care. Messaging me telling me that’s lit fam. I will slap you!

And THEN I’ma slap you

Lastly, for now… 6. Same shit Suzi

I don’t mind helping people, in fact I rather enjoy it. We should help one another. That being said, if, after I have explained a concept; demonstrated a concept; given advise about that growth that no one should EVER see; listened to your sop story of the boyfriend that didn’t text you good night even though he changed his profile picture on Instagram *I feel you though* and you aren’t in it… *Don’t really feel you there, at least you have a boyfriend, Suzi, don’t be so ungrateful* if after all these things, you still come to me for help or advise about the same shit more than 3 times… I will lose my shit.

I will start charging my services by the second and for you, there is no freakin discount. Actually for you I will just cancel the service and cut you the freck off. If you just want to complain, then complain, be real about it, if you just want me to do that equation for you cos your ass is lazy then be real and let me know. But do not waste my time and energy by asking me over and over and expecting me to give you a different answer. That’s madness! (Albert said so)

Even he is unimpressed by your shit!!!

Gilmore (or less) Girls

Finally, the torture of watching this series is over.
WHY, OH WHY, did I waste (quick math here –> 45 mins per episode, 22 episodes per season and 7 seasons…) 116 hours on this junk?

Just a quick one: The main characters are – Lorelai (further known as L) Gilmore, mother to Lorelai (Rory, further known as R) Gilmore. These two delicate flowers live in a one horse town, that has an inbred vibe to it. Oh yes and SPOILER ALERT!!

Lauren Graham (Lorelai) & Alexis Bledel (Rory)

It started out innocently enough. I stumbled upon a Buzzfeed list of Lorelai Gilmore’s more awesome quotes and I found myself thinking, she sounds like the American version of me.

And these are only but a few!!

Then I met her, and it took me a season to realise I do not like her. She is pouty and has this THING with her parents that I don’t completely understand. It’s like she is angry at them for giving her everything she might have wanted in life. Ok, I can understand that she didn’t want exactly what they were offering and she didn’t want to be the puppet in their rich-man play, but surely when you become an adult you change?

The relationship between her and R (her daughter who you meet at 15 I think) is more of a friendship than a mother-child relationship. Yes, I understand L would be able to have a whole episode of “Sixteen and pregnant” dedicated to her. But surely a child needs more than, “yoh, kid, I am your friend BEFORE I am your mother.” When L eventually decides to (in extreme occasions) play the MOM card R totally flips out on her, as if she is an adult, and runs away. R grows a bit as a character in the beginning of the season but by the time she is an adult, she throws more fits than when she was a teenager and just makes me want to punch her in the face. Also, these women are skinny, I mean Hollywood requirement skinny, who live primarily on coffee, junk food and no exercise. I don’t care what science says about metabolism, that shit’s just not fair.

I found this post about plot holes in the show… adding fuel to the fire!!

Don’t even get me started on their respective love lives and how totally idiotic they are. First R with Dean VS Jess, cheating on first dean with Jess and then cheating on Jess with Dean (who just HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED) after dumping Dean FOR Jess. Logan seems to be the most stable one of her suitors, whose marriage proposal she turns down after living with him and basically house breaking him.

L, with this chemistry with Luke right from the FIRST BLOODY EPISODE. Then with R’s dad Christopher, whom she sleeps with while being confused about other men, twice!! That’s some kinda role model there!!  Then a few throw-away guys in-between which all lead to her being engaged to Luke but then breaking it off and getting married to Chris, all in one week it seems. Then that whole marriage to Chris going up in smoke and L ending back up with Luke. Take a bloody break woman!!

Something must have kicked in, making me forget most of the awfulness of this show already, but what I do remember is that a lot of the people in this show have serious issues. (yes, people in general have serious issues… but also, people in general grow and adapt and even DEAL with their issues). It makes me wonder if this Stars Hallow town is not actually an experiment like Divergent. With Taylor as the inside man, with his stupid ways of enforcing everything. The people just blindly follow him like sheep. (come to think of it, doesn’t this happen in most countries and cities worldwide anyway?)

Controlled by a whole other bunch of people, safely behind a huge dividing wall! There is just less killing in Gilmore Girls!

What I do LOVE about the show is a lot of the dialog, the to and fro between L’s wit and R’s quirkiness. It’s fun and if they could write all the great dialogues into book form with a short 3 sentences of setting summary per dialogue, I would buy the shit out of that book. Until then, I refuse to watch this show again.

Where is my F.R.I.E.N.D.S box-set?

Big Bang Laundry…

Penny: Another night? I guess you could try… but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Sheldon: Woman, you’re playing with forces beyond your ken
Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

Gotta love Big Bang Theory…

Don’t say hate, gandhi,…

Don’t say hate, gandhi, you keep throwing that word around so much it’s lost all of its meaning. Now I have to find another word stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others.

I mega-loathe you all.

Good day.

-Dr Cox in Scrubs Season 6… one of my favorites.