What is self-discovery?!

You hear about these people on a “road to self-discovery” or you *puke* see it plastered all over their Instagram feed or Facebook or whatever these kids are using nowadays. Those stupid hashtags telling us this is who you are, when in fact you are no different than the person who went off down the road a few weeks ago… All that is different is that you are now using black and white filters instead of that one filter that makes your eyes look dead inside, oh wait, that ain’t no filter.

This is a filter…

As a person who is not on any road to find myself, I often wonder, how the f… feck did you lose yourself? And who is this “self” that you have lost? Look, I get loosing things, ok, I have lost my fair share of things in my time. A cellphone, car keys, house keys, sanity, cards of all varieties (most of these things at the bottom of a handbag – don’t believe me, ask any person with a handbag. There is a 7^th layer in one’s handbag. Thanks, Iliza Shlesinger) But for the life me, why do you need to go on a trip to find the self that you lost.

Ok let’s talk about losing more important things, like losing a child in a crowded grocery store or clothing store because your spawn “precious” decided to hide in those clothes racks in the middle and scare the crap out of you. And then the next thing, they are not there anymore and you find them by the lingerie mannequins… touching things! But seriously, it takes ZERO effort to lose a child in a store, I get why white people put leashes on their children.

Sit… STAY!

Or, losing the V-card, the cherry, the flower. First off all, let’s be real, you didn’t LOSE that, you gave it away, and some of you needed no convincing at all. I don’t want to go into it… ha, it’s not such a deep… (ha, sooooo many that’s what he saids) subject, but unless something unfortunate happened, you didn’t lose your v-card.

For those readers who don’t know what I am talking about… It’s virginity! (Hi Mom)

So, how do you lose yourself… TELL ME EMINEM!!!

I don’t think it’s “THERE”…

(If you are getting ready to drop the lines to the song then we will be friends… mom’s spaghetti.)

And where do you start looking? Does “have you checked the last place you remember having it?” help in situations like these? Or “have you checked the cubbyhole (for those not from South Africa… a cubbyhole is the glove compartment in a car), or the top drawer of the desk, or the 7^th layer of the handbag”. What do you say to someone who tells you they have lost themselves? “You can borrow my GPS”?

For reals, how do you wake up one morning, quit your job as a barista or art person or professional hipster, and feck off to Thailand to live with some monk and spend 5 weeks in a zen-like state so that you can “find yourself”? Listen, have you seen some of those monks? They don’t look like they are in touch with themselves, or anyone… know what I mean? Also, what about all the people in your life, you know, the pre-losing yourself days? What happens to them when you return with a name like Peaceful Sleep or some shit? What about everyone who loved the self that you were before you fecked off to find a new self? Oh wait… never mind.

Uncle Fungus??

On that note, I will work on developing a special torch to help those who are on that road to self-discovery… There’s obviously a market for it.

Lastly, these “roads to self-discovery” are they on Google maps? Or are there speed limits on them? Because some people take fecking ages to discover themselves… or maybe they got lost cos they didn’t really lose themselves… they just changed!!