Foot-IN-Mouth Disease.

Beware!! Your sarcasm feeds it…

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I think it might be contagious. Or maybe it only exists in Liezel-ville. Either way it is a pretty destructive/funny thing. I first started noticing the symptoms a while back. The symptoms are very easy to recognise. Basically, if you say things that are better left unsaid or in a way that you shouldn’t or to people that really don’t understand your humour then you have foot-in-mouth disease. So far there is no cure for this dreaded disease. Only a few case studies (of which this is one of them) so far and the only progress that we (and by “we” I mean “I”) have made is that what usually spurs it on is when the subject thinks with emotions and not with rationality. So far there have been no reported fatalities but many, many hurt and bruised egos, and /or laughter.

Regular SARCASM users often fall prey to this disease as it feeds off of their witty come backs and fast thinking. Also, it has nooo mercy. It doesn’t just cause hurt and offence but humiliation and embarrassment. Jy sê dinge wat jy nie wou nie OF jy sê dinge op n manier wat jy nie wou nie OF jy sê dinge wat jy plain weg nie moes nie. Off course, one only realises the error of their ways when they start thinking clearly again and they snap out of it into the chaos that their words have caused. Then you end up walking away thinking about what you said and you realise that how you thought it in you mind is not how it came out your mouth. Daar is n kortsluiting iewers… HELP!! Or you find yourself in the middle of a situation where the other person is saying “wat sê djy? Ek sal vir djou stiek met n fiets speuk nuh” one of two things go through your mind at this stage… when did I end up in Cape Town and WHAT DID I SAY?? EEEEDJIT!!!

You can recognise these poor unfortunate souls by the wake of embarrassed and or laughing people. Or they usually walk around in a constant state of blushing. If you happen to come across one of these such persons, please just hug them and tell them that they are funny and don’t pay attention to the stupid things that this awful disease makes them say.

Foot-in-Mouth Disease is no joke… well usually it is… whatever.

Healthy Eating Plan… Day 1:

So I woke up this morning feeling like something needs to change. I thought, hey, why not do that amazing eating plan that helped my dad lose 25kgs in like 3 months. I did it for a month or 2 and I lost 7kgs… picked it all right back up again when I started eating like an insane person. FYI, Winter does nooooot help…

Today:

Breakfast ->yogurt

Snack-> 3 provittas and an apple

Lunch-> Not sure, hoping to find tuna mayo somewhere

Snack-> 3 provittas and apple

Supper-> Unknown.

Some of you may call this a diet, I refuse! It is not a diet, diets are for sissies.

Garfield feels my pain.

Bye Bye Wonder Mobile…

Ok, for those wondering who or what Wonder Mobile is… it is my trusty donkey. The pack-horse of my life. Yes, it is my car. My very first blog is about Wonder Mobile and naturally I thought it was HILARIOUS. Kind of how a parent will always say that their baby is the most beautiful creature that could ever come from another human being, when in fact we all know that babies are not all that. (At least I have the guts to admit it)Anyways, totally of topic… so back to the car. The thing with 4 wheels that has caused me countless hours of stress and not enough hours of drinking.

Some more frightening stories about my wonder car is that I burst a tyre the other day. It has a hole the size of a R5 coin. How bizarre?? I suppose that’s what you get when you mount a curb the wrong way… at the wrong speed. 1… 2… 3… MOVING ALONG. Oh oh aaaand at one stage it sounded like I had an anaconda under da hood.

Kinda like this but less real… and less crap-your-pants like.

You can now imagine that non of the street vendors would come near my car while at a robot. Which is kind of a score if you think about it. I mean how many  pairs of sunglasses does one REALLY need? Even if it is “Special price for you madam”. But I have had some good times in old Wonder. Went to Kokstad, went to Kenton-on-Sea. The car road trips like a trooper. Honda=die-hard. So in a sense I am sad to say good bye. BUT…

In 1 day I will be saying adios. It all happened so fast, a week ago I had a friend look at the car to give me a price on it and that self-same day he had found a buyer for it. Dang, the guy even wanted to buy it THAT DAY. Had I had another means of transportation I would not even have written this blog… I woulda been like “TAKE IT AWAY!!!” But I didn’t so I have been frantically looking for a new car. Now I know I have been wanting that cute little Kia Picanto, maar dis net te duur!!

I can deal with that…

SO… I’m thinking of getting a Hyundai i10. Look at it, it’s not that bad looking right? Plus its light on fuel and in South Africa where the fuel prices rise and fall like a pregnant female’s moods, ya kinda need a light fuel car. I’m not fond of the white though but it seems like Hyundai ran out of other colours so most of the i10’s are white  ah well.

So, as with a new baby, I want to give my new car a name. How about some ideas???

Irriterend!!!

Vir my om te weet en vir jou om uit te vind. Ek het daai sê-ding verpes toe ek klein was. Dis so asof die persoon wat dit sê vir jou vra vir n klap. Wat is die hele ding van n geheim hou in elkgeval? En daar is sekere toevalle waat daai sê-ding net glad nie werk nie, of glad nie die desired effect gaan hê nie. Sooooooos byvoorbeeld  Persoon A: “Hey, hoe laat is dit nou?” heel onskuldig. Persoon B kyk sarkasties na horlosie: “Vir my om te weet en”…. WHACK!!! Steel horlosie. Of een wat ek nog altyd wou probeer, “wat eet jy?” “Vir my om te weet. . . hey, jy eet my kos!!!??” en dan sê ek al te sweet, “maar die res van jou sin sou mos wees, vir my om uit te vind”… THIS IS ME FINDING OUT!!! BEECH!!

Caramel Vodka is the best…

Of wat van as jy iemand vra of hul iets wil hê om te drink. Inplaas van om te sê “ja dankie het julle koffie/tee/water/VODKA” (watokal jy voor lus is) sê jy net “ja”. NOU moet ek weer vra, “OKAYYYYY, wat wil jy hê?” en dit lei na “Wat het julle?” Dis n semi-useless train of conversation as jy my vra. Sê net straight off the bat,” ek wil _____ hê asseblief.” And everyone is happy! Granted die persoon wat aanbied kan seker ook straight off the bat sê, “Ons het Windpomp sjerrie, vodka, irish koffie, tee, Oros en so n coke pepsi mengsel. Piet het gedink hy kan geld spaar.”

Oh, nog een van my persoonlike non-favourites is “hoeveel aartappels moet ek skil vir die slaai?” en die antwoord is GENIUS!! Waaaaiiit for eeeettt à GENOEG! It’s like you don’t value your life. Daar is n klomp vrae wat kan volg: Het jy mediese fonds? Watse antwoord is GENOEG!? Hoeveel is GENOEG? Sou ek jou gevra het as ek geweet het hoeveel ek moes skil? Wil jy rerig met my sukkel as ek n vegetable peeler in my hand het, hmmm? As ek jou aanhoudend skop soos wat jy op die vloer in jou eie bloed lê, gaan jy dan nog GENOEG kan sê? Dis maar net n paar vrae wat by my opkom.

The best PG picture I could find…

Dan kry mens die engelse irriterende sê ding: There and back to see how far it is. Dié is net plain weg stupid/careless. As ek jou vra waantoe ons/iemand/hulle/julle gaan dan is dit nie n opening vir jou om snaaks te probeer wees nie. Gaan comedy hour toe daarvoor. Sê my net “Hulle gaan Hooters toe.” Of “ons gaan net gou n draai by die cop-shop maak om jou suster uit te bail,

Need I say more?!?

en dan gaan ons haar by Hillbrow aflaai” Moenie met my sukkel en slim probeer wees nie. Die dokters gaan die slimmes wees wanneer hulle uitfigure hoe om my skoen uit jou ass uit te kry sonder om jou rectum te skeur! (ok daai laaste een is bietjie brutal, just painting a picture).

Hmm Dr, it seems to be stuck. What if we just yank it out? #Einamoer

So net vir future reference, as ek jou iets vra… antwoord my net reguit.

Anger Issues

Goooooosfraba

I’m pretty sure you have watched Anger Management, with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson… Did it also make you a little frustrated? It made me frustrated that his girlfriend went to THAT extent just to make him snap, and kind off grow a back bone. In my mind the movie would have played out much differently had it been me in Adam’s shoes. I would have snapped in the wrong way. Blood would have flowed in that movie if it was me. Now I don’t get enraged very quickly, but push me far enough and you had better be wearing bullet proof everything!!

I don’t believe that getting angry is very productive, I watched Never Back Down 2the other night and the sensei said to the lead actor “an angry mind is a narrow mind… and it makes you less productive”. I concur!!!

Yummy… CAKE!!!

As jy kwaad word, word jy dom! Dis asof die woede jou breinselle op strike sit! EEEEDJITS! Think about all the valuable time you spent being angry at something or someone, when you could have spent that time eating cake?

Cake is good… I love cake! Maybe even baking a cake… as long as cake has the lead and supporting role, its all good… very good!!

This secret side of me, I never let you see, I keep it caged but I can’t control it…

Anyways, so what do I do when I get angry? I get violent, I blame/thank growing up with brothers and male cousins all bigger than me (And I’m big to begin with, so, let that just stretch your mind quick). Our house was like survival of the fittest, only the death rate wasn’t AS high. To calm myself down I used to listen to Disturbed/ Bullet for my Valentine or music in that head bang genre. As you can imagine listening to songs like Down with the Sickness and Tears Don’t Fall didn’t really help, it fuelled it more than anything. Then I discovered Monster by Skillet… Well now THAT made me feel better. Now a days I try not to listen to the angry sounding music when I am angry… 2 wrongs don’t make a happy. Come to think of it… the anger hasn’t been so bad lately. With God’s help I might be having a hold on this one… can’t hold me down.

What do YOU do to reign in your anger?