We all have those little things that irritate the SHIT out of us and unfortunately people who are close to us do those things, so we can’t legit just lose your shit because they are doing something that irritate you, because… they are friends and also they have a WHOLE arsenal full of shots to fire right back at your irritating ass. *HI FRIENDS*
- Me me me, I’m steak!
With all of that I will take the first friendly fire:
1. The no answer call…
Picture, if you will, you are busy, showering, working, eating, spending time with a close friend, literally anything other than being on your phone *GASP… I know right* and you get back to your phone to see a missed call *or 5, sorry Mom* from another friend, colleague or family member. ONLY. A. MISSED. CALL!!! Listen, I cannot express to you how irritated I get when I see only a missed call from someone that I know, someone whose number is saved under my contacts, you obviously matter to me, Guy from Pizza place nr 2.
I immediately think one of two things happened: 1) You stopped being my friend (Or bringing me pizza), or 2) The rapture, and I got left behind!! Why did you not just leave a voice mail after my voice mail service requested that you do so? Are you too good for that? Or if you didn’t want to do that for some weird reason, why didn’t you send me a message saying WHY you tried to call me. I want you to know, if you dead call me, I will ignore that shit! It was obviously not important. *Unless you are the pizza man, don’t leave me*
- I didn’t mean you…
2. The broken wing…
I wear make-up and when I do it for the fans I wing my eyeliner. I take pride in those wings, I didn’t even have to drink red-bull for those wings. But sometimes the stars don’t all align and sometimes my guardian angel is still checking Instagram while I am winging it… and it messes up. Now, I just want to say I have been winging it since before Taylor Swift knew someone was trouble, since before Katy Perry Kissed a Girl, since before Beyonce’s music got all out of whack.
- My chicken… just everything!
I don’t use a stencil like the plebs, I free hands those babies, it’s a sense of pride and my pride takes a knock when the one breaks. Why the EFFFFFFFFF do I still mess it up? What!? Did I fly too close to the sun? Tell me, Icarus, is this what happens?
- Shout out to these artists…
3. The ghost…
Technology has all but taken over our lives so naturally we text and social media all the live long day… which is exactly why I get soooooo frustratingly irritated if I sent you a message and I don’t get a reply… but your social media everything’s are updated. I’m seeing a new story on Whatsapp (those story things SUCK), like 5 new selfies and one inspirational quote on Instagram and all of a sudden your relationship status on Facebook is complicated… I spoke to you 3 mins ago, and I know you use your phone for social media. So what the freck? Are you a ghost? Am I a ghost? Am I Matthew McConaughey in the book case? AND THEN, 2 days later I get a message out of the blue, “Hey, how are you?” Are you for reals? *I realise this is petty and needy but, so what, your face is petty and needy*
4. The machine gun texter…
While on the topic of technology, I don’t understand why people send messages in installments. Why do you feel the need to make my phone sound like a Skillex song with it’s vibrations and sounds? I don’t understand why you can’t use your enter key and just make a space instead of sending. every. message. separately. Why do people do this?…
I will leave my phone for 2 hours when someone starts with that shit. After 2 hours I will come back and reply, to all your installments, with one long message, using the enter key to form a break so that you can know I am an educated human being and I know how to form paragraphs. Seriously, why are you machine gunning my phone? Just take a moment and think about what it is you want to say and then formulate a long coherent message.
5. Da lzy txtr…
I can’t!!! I just, I, it, it just makes me so mad. I cannot take you seriously as an adult if you reply to my message, asking you if you will be joining the drinks evening on Saturday, with “Hi, Ya I wll b der. wot mus I gt I dnt knw wer u lve snd pin” I want to contact your high school and negotiate a refund. I seriously wonder what people do with the time they save from not typing a word correctly. Are you volunteering at a childrens’ home, in which case, you really shouldn’t cos you can’t be trusted!! That is how I feel about that. *Getchoh sheeit togethah!! – I spelt it that way cos you can’t hear how I said it*
Just a quick side note… if you use any of the vernacular of the youngens *AKA scum* I will block you! I don’t even care. Messaging me telling me that’s lit fam. I will slap you!
- And THEN I’ma slap you
Lastly, for now… 6. Same shit Suzi
I don’t mind helping people, in fact I rather enjoy it. We should help one another. That being said, if, after I have explained a concept; demonstrated a concept; given advise about that growth that no one should EVER see; listened to your sop story of the boyfriend that didn’t text you good night even though he changed his profile picture on Instagram *I feel you though* and you aren’t in it… *Don’t really feel you there, at least you have a boyfriend, Suzi, don’t be so ungrateful* if after all these things, you still come to me for help or advise about the same shit more than 3 times… I will lose my shit.
I will start charging my services by the second and for you, there is no freakin discount. Actually for you I will just cancel the service and cut you the freck off. If you just want to complain, then complain, be real about it, if you just want me to do that equation for you cos your ass is lazy then be real and let me know. But do not waste my time and energy by asking me over and over and expecting me to give you a different answer. That’s madness! (Albert said so)
- Even he is unimpressed by your shit!!!