6 Types of Colleagues

Lemme lay some hard earned wisdom on you, straight from living office life for about 10 years now. There are some people you meet in your working life that leave a lasting impression on you. Some of these impressions are the way you conduct business and your attention to detail. Other impressions are like that impression on your face when you fell asleep on your hand. You probably did fall asleep on your hand because the person is so dang boring.

Hand print portrait

Something like this… but nothing like this.

On that note, let us reach into the archives of my brain and identify some of the people you probably have or will work with:
1. Personal Peter

This is the one who walks up to you at 7:45, while you are trying to find your face in the office kitchen because you have not yet had coffee, and proceeds to explain how thoroughly messed up the couple across the street from their house is. “I mean they let their dog do it BUSINESS right outside the door. Who does that?” Now since you have no coffee in your system, your brain scrambles to paint a picture for you and this is what you end up with.

business-dog-73850

Business is ruff!!

This person is also the one that will fish for any detail about anyone’s life so as to have some kind of story. They are usually the ones who will remember everyone’s birthday and make a big deal.
How to identify them:

  • They have shit on their face from all the brown nosing.

2. Bitchy Bridget

This one works her ass off, is just short of genius and is in with the bosses not through brown nosing but through good ol’ buckling down and getting the job done. This is also the one who tends to argue with said bosses in such a way that you cringe a little, and kind of expect her to be packing up her desk at some point. Yet she never does.

rbf

Yes?! What?!

On the flip side, she is mean, almost bitchy. Has that resting-bitch-face thing as a preset and even when she is joking you kind of feel like she is serious.
How to identify them:

  • I mentioned the resting-bitch-face, right?

3. Kevin the Clown

How does this dude still have a job? Honestly? Especially after that time he taped everything on the boss’ table to the roof. Just short of rocking up at work with a red nose he is always making jokes and seems like he is never working.

clown-2.0

Oh, Kevin!

Real likable guy, he is the one inviting everyone for phuza-Thursday… on a Monday… and a Wednesday… and of course a Thursday. He always seems to have money for all the booze, which begs the question. Does he moonlight as a comedian prankster? And how is his brain still functioning on the level it needs to.
How to identify them:

  • Look for the one who is being yelled at by resting-bitch-face (RBF)!!

4. Silent Susan

Woman doesn’t say a damn word, and even when she does speak you nearly give yourself whiplash just to hear what she says.

Hard worker, can either be super smart or real dumb. You don’t really know because she’s sooo damn quiet and creepy looking. Her attire looks like it got stuck between the 60s and the 90s with a weird mix of frills and colours.

There is probably some kind of rumor (started by Kevin) at the office about this girl’s family life or whether she has a knife in her office drawer.
How to identify them:

  • The one always sitting quietly keeping to herself, plotting the massacre, I mean, working.

5. Gaming Gareth

This guy keeps to himself most of the time, because he is either playing a game on his phone or secretly on his computer, or he is strategising the next move in his head or researching the newest games etc.

Dennis-Nedry-Jurassic-Park-600x325

See… even he is gaming!

He is the one who will run the office fantasy football and managing everyone’s crypto-currency trading. He is quite socially awkward because he only speaks in gaming terms. He would probably yell “GG” to Kevin after he was yelled at by RBF. If he does come and talk to you it is mainly to ask you if you would join his Clash of Clans… clan?
How to identify them:

  • The IT guy…

6. Noob Nelly

This is the new person at the office. The one who f*#$ up the coffee machine so RBF can’t get her fix. The one who will most definitely be befriended by Peter because within 5 minutes of Nelly working there Peter has found out everything about her, from her childhood, to her blood type to her mother’s cat’s maiden name.

andy-sachs-the-devil-wears-prada-204945_1400_929_0

Granted she was a good noob!

The noob is usually also a brown noser but only because they feel the need to impress everyone. They are also always in trouble with RBF because they are messing everything up and RBF is quite the perfectionist.
How to identify them:

  • They are the ones who look like they still have the time to wing their eyeliner and sleep more than 5 hours a night. Bright eyed and fuzzy tailed.
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Gilmore (or less) Girls

Finally, the torture of watching this series is over.
WHY, OH WHY, did I waste (quick math here –> 45 mins per episode, 22 episodes per season and 7 seasons…) 116 hours on this junk?

Just a quick one: The main characters are – Lorelai (further known as L) Gilmore, mother to Lorelai (Rory, further known as R) Gilmore. These two delicate flowers live in a one horse town, that has an inbred vibe to it. Oh yes and SPOILER ALERT!!

Gilmore-Girls.jpg

Lauren Graham (Lorelai) & Alexis Bledel (Rory)

It started out innocently enough. I stumbled upon a Buzzfeed list of Lorelai Gilmore’s more awesome quotes and I found myself thinking, she sounds like the American version of me.

Collage

And these are only but a few!!

Then I met her, and it took me a season to realise I do not like her. She is pouty and has this THING with her parents that I don’t completely understand. It’s like she is angry at them for giving her everything she might have wanted in life. Ok, I can understand that she didn’t want exactly what they were offering and she didn’t want to be the puppet in their rich-man play, but surely when you become an adult you change?

The relationship between her and R (her daughter who you meet at 15 I think) is more of a friendship than a mother-child relationship. Yes, I understand L would be able to have a whole episode of “Sixteen and pregnant” dedicated to her. But surely a child needs more than, “yoh, kid, I am your friend BEFORE I am your mother.” When L eventually decides to (in extreme occasions) play the MOM card R totally flips out on her, as if she is an adult, and runs away. R grows a bit as a character in the beginning of the season but by the time she is an adult, she throws more fits than when she was a teenager and just makes me want to punch her in the face. Also, these women are skinny, I mean Hollywood requirement skinny, who live primarily on coffee, junk food and no exercise. I don’t care what science says about metabolism, that shit’s just not fair.

I found this post about plot holes in the show… adding fuel to the fire!!

Don’t even get me started on their respective love lives and how totally idiotic they are. First R with Dean VS Jess, cheating on first dean with Jess and then cheating on Jess with Dean (who just HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED) after dumping Dean FOR Jess. Logan seems to be the most stable one of her suitors, whose marriage proposal she turns down after living with him and basically house breaking him.

L, with this chemistry with Luke right from the FIRST BLOODY EPISODE. Then with R’s dad Christopher, whom she sleeps with while being confused about other men, twice!! That’s some kinda role model there!!  Then a few throw-away guys in-between which all lead to her being engaged to Luke but then breaking it off and getting married to Chris, all in one week it seems. Then that whole marriage to Chris going up in smoke and L ending back up with Luke. Take a bloody break woman!!

Something must have kicked in, making me forget most of the awfulness of this show already, but what I do remember is that a lot of the people in this show have serious issues. (yes, people in general have serious issues… but also, people in general grow and adapt and even DEAL with their issues). It makes me wonder if this Stars Hallow town is not actually an experiment like Divergent. With Taylor as the inside man, with his stupid ways of enforcing everything. The people just blindly follow him like sheep. (come to think of it, doesn’t this happen in most countries and cities worldwide anyway?)

divergent_chicago_city-1600x900

Controlled by a whole other bunch of people, safely behind a huge dividing wall! There is just less killing in Gilmore Girls!

What I do LOVE about the show is a lot of the dialog, the to and fro between L’s wit and R’s quirkiness. It’s fun and if they could write all the great dialogues into book form with a short 3 sentences of setting summary per dialogue, I would buy the shit out of that book. Until then, I refuse to watch this show again.

Where is my F.R.I.E.N.D.S box-set?

7 things a No Carbs Challenge reveals

For the whole of September myself and my house mate decided to challenge each other to a No Carbs September. The stakes were high if one of us slips up and we are equally competitive so the month that followed was a lesson in itself. These are just a few of my observations from the challenge.

Sugar

“I am everywhere!!!!”

We are SUPER dependent on addicted to sugar
Quick, take a look at the nutritional content of whatever you are about to eat. Unless its meat or roasted nuts or a pack of celery, odds are, there is sugar in there. It’s quite scary how much sugar we consume on a daily basis. BUT, there are also good and bad sugars, just like there is good and bad cholesterol. I could get all GR12 biological on you, but I will spare you. On that note…

This would be a good Sugar!!

Coffee tastes shitty without sugar
I have a love/hate relationship with coffee. It’s like the guy who steals money from you but is just SUCH a good kisser. I know coffee in extreme masses is not good for a person, that being said, I actually think coffee itself, on any level, is not good for me, personally. So when I cut sugar, I cut coffee, because coffee without sugar tastes like something you kill a child’s dreams with. I also refuse to use sweeteners because that stuff will kill you. Double cold turkey whammy. So then I found out…

Sugar`

A is for…. ADDICTION!

That sugar & caffeine withdrawals are the stuff nightmares are made off
It starts with headaches, I never get headaches, I’m superhuman like that. But as soon as I cut out coffee and sugar without wheening myself off, it felt like a dozen gremlins with jackhammers were redoing the hardwood floors of my brain for days.

Then on top of the headaches, you feel dizzy and fatigued. I can’t say tired because tired goes away after a nap. Fatigue stays with you like that stray cat you fed, ONCE!

As the headaches fade and you just become tired all the time, your kidneys start aching. It’s so bad that walking, sitting and laying down is too painful. Anything that puts pressure in any way on your lower back is out. Health tip: (Cos I’m such a glowing example of healthy living) Drink shit loads of water. Have an IV of water constantly filling and clearing your kidneys. Again, I could give a biology lesson of the function of the kidneys, but I shan’t.

Oh and did I forget to tell you? PMS aint got nothing on the emotional nightmare you become during the first 2 weeks of going off of coffee and/or sugar. there is a chance that you insulted and or lost a few friends during this period. Bridges burn!!! It’s ridiculous! But there’s a plus side.

Energy levels DO go up, eventually
Once that nightmare is over, you will have more energy, not STACKS more but more. I must say I don’t feel super energetic, but I am not tired all the time either, so that’s nice. My housemate noted that he felt 4 times more fit on the rugby field and he is faster (probably due to the weight loss). I know this is the ONLY thing you really cared about when you clicked on my blog… “yeah, yeah, but how much weight will I lose?”

Weight

Get off of me!!!

Weight just a minute…
Since the beginning of September I have lost almost 6kg. I feel it should be noted that I had picked up a crap load before that but still, a win is a win. My house mate lost more, I think he lost about 7 or 8 kg. I don’t like to play this card, BUT, it is easier for men to lose weight than for women… so there’s that.  Also he is active so he burns more than I do. I realise I am making excuses but so what.

You save loads of cash
How much money do you spend on food a month? And I’m not really talking about groceries. I am talking about snacks, take outs, feel-good-period-craving chocolates? Hmm? Have you thought about it? Well, I got to save some money by simply not buying a chocolate or chips of pack of sweets every time I go to the shop. Instead I bought a bad of apples or bananas. I will add that I would have saved way more if biltong and droëwors had sugar or carbs in, that stuff can dig a hole in your wallet! You still save a lot of money though.

Lastly, creative cooking
Since you can’t eat pasta, or rice, or potatoes *Cries a little*, you have to come up with new things to cook, with the added extra that the housemate is not a BIG veggie eater. Sometimes you have a hit and sometimes you miss, sometimes you have a real South African supper… just MEAT. After a while you’ll feel like you would sell a piece of your soul just to have a baked potato. I think it must be psychological, it has to be, because I have done this whole no carbs thing (not as harshly) before and I was fine. Which takes me back, again to biology, this time I will explain some, you can’t cut out something completely. Your body needs carbohydrates, protein and fat (and of course minerals and vitamins). Each one of these three has a specific function in your body. Where we lose the plot is when we over indulge in one or more. That’s when we start being unhealthy and pick up weight. A wise woman says this to me very often “Everything in moderation”

Sugar

Can we just take a minute to appreciate how adorable he is… Google Sugar and this little sugar glider comes up. I WANTZ IT!!

In conclusion, I plan to challenge myself for the rest of the year to cut out all preserved food, all bread, pasta and rise and to only eat moderate amounts of biltong and droëwors. I might even do this permanently, food should be enjoyed, but it should also be respected.

Dr Liezel (I wish)

Thinking about studying: 10-ish things you should know.

Close your eyes and picture this….

First of all, did you close your eyes? And if you did, you are a dumbass, how will you read the rest of this post with your eyes closed? And second of all, there is no second of all… there is also no end to picture this…

When last did you study? Write an exam? If your answer is more than 5 years ago then I am sure you would appreciate this. You know nothing about studying. Don’t believe me? Wait another 3 years before embarking on a correspondence BCom degree, while working full time. To save you some time here are about 10 things that are bound to happen:

  • Your social life nearly dies

You work from 08:00 till 17:00, then you try and relax a little before diving into the books, because you thought you were a champ and could handle 4 subjects. You aim to go to bed at 23:00 otherwise you are too tired to focus at work, that leaves you with 5 hours of study time, in which you still need to eat and shower. Take away about an hour for shower and eats (unless you don’t live with your folks and have to cook for yourself, which takes you about an hour). this leaves you with 3/4 hours. Weekends are the perfect time to study because, no work. Weekends are also the best time for socialising because, no work. So you become the world’s greatest juggler.

  • Your brain becomes a phoenix

this is how you feel... THE. WHOLE. TIME!

this is how you feel… THE. WHOLE. TIME!

You know how I said, you know nothing? Yeah I wasn’t kidding. I don’t say this to discourage you, but it’s true. This hits you when you open your first textbook and realise that the only thing you understand of it all is “Author”. Yes, its intimidating but you soldier on because you heard somewhere that the brain is the most powerful organ, and also, you paid a shit load for this. After a while you realise that the stuff you are learning isn’t THAT difficult and you start to understand it. Phoenix effect confirmed. Then you look round too see the stack of text books for your next subject awaiting and your brain cliff dives again. It’s an endless cycle of repetition.

  • Sitting…

I don’t know how you study, but most people study at a desk on a chair… most people that have an office job, work at a desk on a chair. See where I am going with this? You do an awefull lot of sitting, approximately 13 hours of it. Yeah sure, you could walk around and study, lay on the ground with your books spread around you like a field of horrors, lean against a wall and study, but lesbe-honest, sitting is the best way. Besides, after a while you don’t feel your bum anymore, so you got that going for you, which is nice.

  • EATING!!!!

All that sitting, leads to the inevitable. Eating!!! Popcorn, jelly sweets, chocolate, popcorn, chips and then some more popcorn. Coffee is a big thing here too, mostly because it is rumoured to have waking-up qualities. This might not be a big thing for all of you, but its there. Maybe more so with the ADHD/ADD types. If that’s you, I salute you, which brings me to the next point.

  • Distractions…

When the initial craze of studying (read: Sacrifice) wears off, EVERYTHING starts distracting you. Again, this appeals more to the ADD/ADHD types. After a while you are sitting in a stark white room with one desk, one chair and your books. Your life has lost all colour except for the blue pen and the pencil that help you make different points while summarising. Your cellphone is safely tucked away somewhere far away (and on silent). Your laptop, that used to play the soothing sounds that you would study to, is closed. Void of all distractions, yet, you are staring at that one spec on the wall, it looks like it might be moving. You aren’t distracted enough to further the investigation but you are also not motivated enough to not. keep. staring.

Zoning out becomes a sport!

Zoning out becomes a sport!

  • Discipline

It all comes down to this. EVERYTHING in life especially anything of value comes down to discipline. Quite frankly I don’t even have the discipline to give a full entry here.

  • Sacrifice

As you can see so far, everything is sacrificed on the altar of knowledge. Your time, your diet, your butt, your brain, your sanity. This might not be a bad thing, but come on, who are we kidding. Change is only fun when the sacrifice is minimum. Fear of commitment comes to mind…

  • Writing Callus

This is a weird one, but if you do a lot of writing while you study and if you hold your pen like this…

How winners hold it...

How winners hold it.

… then you are bound to have a writing callus. It’s like the annoying friend that always has to come to the parties, cos he has the best music.

  • Understanding

This comes in waves… hello waves and good bye waves. You get full marks for the self evaluation exercise at the end of study unit one – Hello waves. You feel on top of the world! You love this feeling, you write poems and books about this feeling. Eisntein can come and debate about sciencey stuff with you because you have this feeling. Then your results slowly start deteriorating through the semester and by the time you are revising, you suffer from rejection issues due to all the good bye waves. But your revision includes Study Unit One, the one you Aced, and your anticipation of a hello wave of understanding is high, until you realise that you have semi forgotten the work and might have to re-study it all. Good bye wave.

  • FORMULAE

I studied this and have no idea what's going on.

I studied this and have no idea what’s going on.

This might only target a few of you but I am almost sure that any BCom degree student will have at least one subject that has a shit load of formulae. Formulae are the things that are supposed to help you but end up breaking up your marriage and running away with your kids. You see the thing with formulae is that for every variable, you need to UNDERSTAND what part of the equation or story replaces that variable. If your understanding ended on good bye waves then your formulae becomes the monster in all the horror movies. (Also, if you skipped the previous bullet, then you are a bit lost. Just make a base camp here)

BONUS ROUND!!

  • Study Block

After a certain amount of time, your brain has reached capacity, and is overflowing with knowledge that you have crammed in there just to be able to pass an exam. You sit down on one fated day only to discover that nothing sticks. Your brain has become a Jo-burg CBD taxi with way too many passengers. You try and cram more information into it but it doesn’t work. Like packing for a 5 week vacation in an overnight bag. – Aah vacation… 

Esp. with Jeremy Clarkson in one! Who has space for that mush ego?

Esp. with Jeremy Clarkson in one! Who has space for that much ego?

  • Procrastination

They say that no one cleans a room/ house like someone who is meant to study. Because everything distracts you, you do everything it takes not to have to study.

I haven't had to study in a while... AKA my room is a mess!

I haven’t had to study in a while… AKA my room is a mess!

  • Zzzleep

This is fictitious, you forgot what this is after month 3. The reason… you ended up procrastinating till past your bed time and then finished the study unit, tried to sleep, but woke up for that all important job thing you have. So you become cranky, the study block becomes bigger and you haven’t seen a hello wave in weeks. This is how it all starts…

There is an up side to all this, “I have to study” becomes the ultimate excuse for anything. Shht… You didn’t hear it from me.

Coffee… the drink of death

Oh, how I love coffee… it makes everything better!! Freezing your ass off? Have a cuppa Jo. No one ever calls up a mate and says “Oi, lets meet up for a tea, or a juice”! No no, if it’s before 12pm, it is “Oi, lets meet up for a coffee” (even if they end up drinking tea). After 12pm, coffee rarely gets mentioned, it’s always “Oi, meet me for a beer” but that’s not the point. The point is, coffee is the glue of lasting friendships. GOOD quality coffee that is. Nescafé Gold… it’s called gold for a reason!

It really is so good...

It really is so good…

BUT, that all being said, coffee is the drink of death! Don’t believe me? Try dumping coffee!! Try going from drinking coffee 3-5 times a day to not drinking it at all!! Here is a minor glimpse into my day yesterday after I decided that I am done with coffee… I was fine until about 9am, then all the gremlins came out and started banging on my brain with sledgehammers. They didn’t stop until I went to bed. Along with the blinding headache, I was tired… the whole time! And I’m not talking about yawning or anything like that. I am talking too tired to walk or even hold my head up. Ek was n 0 op n kontrak. Oh and did I forget to mention the uhm… how do I say I threw up twice, in a nice way? Hmm… yes so that happened. I thought I was dying.

If I had the strength... and the box, that would be me!

If I had the strength… and the box, that would be me!

Why not just drink coffee again, you ask? Well, I did some research when I did the coffee detox the first time. Yes I have tortured myself in this way more than once… and I just don’t seem to learn my lesson. Also, coffee just tastes so damn good. So yes, research… I found a few interesting reads but this part of one of them caught my attention and that just pushes me to get over the detox.

Acid reflux and heartburn can be caused by coffee due to the way it relaxes the lower esophageal sphincter. This small muscle should remain tightly closed once you’ve eaten to prevent the contents of your stomach from coming back into the esophagus and burning its delicate lining with hydrochloric acid.

Sphincter is such a fun word to say. For the whole article:  http://www.healthambition.com/negative-effects-of-coffee/

For some withdrawal symptoms I found this one:  http://www.caffeineinformer.com/caffeine-withdrawal-symptoms-top-ten

This piece was especially frightening… considering how many people who have depression drink coffee.

Depression
Caffeine withdrawal can take away all hope for living. Temporary blues are one thing, but if you already struggle with depression this could be a big issue.

I could tick off all of the top ten of the above list all from ONE day. I am so glad my housemates are away this week so there will be no fatalities. No jokes, PMS has nothing on coffee withdrawals. It makes me moodier than a pregnant lady that just can’t figure out if she is hot or cold or if only her feet are cold or hot. So she ends up shouting at everyone with tears running down her face because she can’t control her tear ducts. Last time I did a detox I legitimately almost killed EVERYONE! Even the cute little kitty that happened to meow at me a few decibels to loudly!

Don't shout at me you furr ball!!

Don’t shout at me you fur ball!!

Considering this is not the first time I have done this I feel I should include that the previous time I couldn’t even w3alk fast due to kidney pain, so I researched why kidneys would hurt and I found that it’s all because your body is dealing with all the junk that collected there whilest it was too busy dealing with your 3-5 times a day coffee fixes. So now it has to take out the trash. If you think about it coffee is a scary drug, scary because you don’t think it harms you until it’s too late.

Have you done a caffeine detox? Thoughts?