Let’s get an animal, they said…

So you have reached a point in your life where you think you are qualified to be in charge, be in control, of another living thing, but you also lack the commitment to be in a relationship long enough to have children sooo you figure “stuff it, I’ll get a cat.” And because you want said cat to love me like it’s own mother it should be a kitten, fresh-from-the-factory old kitten, just old enough to stand but not old enough to walk without that cute little drunken wobble. The wobble you usually see on a girls night out, when the girls wear those heels of satan, had one too many jagger shots and they catch those speeds wobbles, that make it look like their ankles are made of jello.

Anyway, so you get a kitten. Cute as shit little kitten with a cute as shit little name, like Mr Fuzzles or something ( I don’t think that’s cute) and you seem to forget that all fresh-from-the-factory animals need a certain amount of training depending on the brand of animal. Training in terms of where it sleeps, where it eats and where it shits. As we all know you should never shit where you eat, kittens need to be taught that, puppies need to be taught that, the only animals that don’t need to be taught that are sharks, I doubt they care where they shit… (from about 0:20 secs in)

Little anythings are hard work, constantly cleaning up after them, constantly checking why the heck it’s so quiet. You know, with human babies there is that stage, right after production, that they just lay there and when you pick them up their head does that deadly swing which reminds you that human babies are actually totally useless, yeah, kittens don’t have that stage, they pop out, wobble their heads a bit and get up on their legs ready to deal with their lives, which at that early stage consists of choosing which teet to suck to stay alive today. Kittens don’t have the helpless baby phase, apart from straight out the box, mom has to lick all the nastiness off of me for the first week, they go from THAT to causing havoc in the time a human baby goes from wobble head to… uhm well less wobble head. Kittens grow 15 faster than human babies meaning they reach that deadly toddler phase REAL EFFING QUICK!

At least kittens don’t have thumbs…

The toddler phase, you know it, where you keep that little shit factory within smelling AND hearing distance, at least, at all times. And as soon as it becomes quiet you drop everything and go look, because, bet money, that little bubble faced snot is doing something that either involves danger or he’s already dead. Same thing with kittens, as soon as you don’t hear things crashing you wonder, what are they shitting in/on? Where are they peeing? Who are they contacting to come help with world domination?

Google… How to take over the world

So you think ok, I won’t get a cat, I’ll get a dog. Whoop-dy-do. Same thing really, just MORE pee and the whining. The constant puppy whining and that puppy shit smell. Puppies are like the friend that comes over and drinks ALL your booze and gets so shit faced that it pees on your couch, while it’s passed out on it with a half-eaten borito in its mouth. The thing with babies is you put a diaper on it and be about your day, and WHAM that gut wrenching smell hits you, but it’s ok, because the situation is contained. You take the diaper off, wipe the bum with those baby wet-wipes that are just sooo handy, and put new diaper on – all is right with the world again. Those wet-wipes are the way forward, spilled coffee on your phone, BABY WIPE, cried during Bad Boys 2 where Markus get’s shot in the ass and now you look like a panda raccoon, BABY WIPE, cut yourself while’s shaving the forest that has grown on your legs due to it being winter and all, BABY WIPE.

See, they work for everything…

With a little animal, they don’t have diapers, puppies have the newspaper because grass is too mainstream and kittens have that box full of special sand because garden sand is too mainstream. Bunch of hipsters. These idiots will just sit, while they shit, so that it goes EVERYWHERE. Down their legs, it sticks to their tails, they fall over into it because their balance is useless. Kittens at least close up the nastiness. That is AFTER they dug to china and shat on the shanghai temple, if you have a cat you will know what I mean. They don’t contain the sand, they don’t try and keep it in the box. Nooo, they re-enact every single sand-storm that ever hit Egypt, and then walk away so proud of themselves for hiding their bowl-movement evidence.

Cos who has the time to train them to do this… apart from Mr Focker!

My advice, get a snake, or a spider. Less hassle and people will think you are bad ass!