Craving booksmarts…

You know how when you are in school you are ALWAYS wishing that last exam would come so that you won’t have to learn anymore, wouldn’t have to be disciplined anymore. Then when that final result comes and you see that after 12 years of school you have passed you feel… nothing. Well some other people were ecstatic, me? Not so much, I was unfeeling. I was in a stage where zero fu… erm… cares were given. I didn’t want to go to varsity and I knew that I would pass my final year of high school so I didn’t much care what the exact results were. They weren’t all good, but they weren’t all bad either. So I started my first gap year, and that started the laziness dumbass movement that is my life at the moment.

McDonalds

At least I’m not this guy…

Now, 7 (almost 8) years later I am still stuck in that movement. Yes I am stronger, somewhat smarter (streetsmarts count right), but still here, with a Matric and that’s it. At my age some people are busy with a second degree or their masters or in some cases just became a doctor. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I do. Now, I wish I had worked harder in school. Spyt kom altyd te laat, blerrie ding het n ‘GPS, maar nie ‘n horlosie nie. EEEEEDJIT! I’m not at the depressed about it stage but it is gnawing at me more and more. People around me are doing 1 or more of 4 general things, getting engaged, getting married, having children or studying. I don’t much care about the first three; those are out of my hands, but the latter… Now THAT I can do something about.

Oh please, oh please!!! Let me do it!

Oh please, oh please!!! Let me do it!

My very clever dad told me a while back that I should just start somewhere, do a course here and there and soon I will have a mountain of stuff to put on my CV, not that I really care about the looks of my CV. I do care about my brain though, and that I should keep it busy with more than the occasional book or suduku puzzle and I don’t think Candy Crush counts as brain exercise. Everytime I go down this rabbithole of thinking I always get to the same point. WHAT DO I STUDY? I really REALLY enjoy biology and science stuff but those type things aren’t available via correspondence. What rings in my head everytime I get to this point is: God can steer a moving ship and the song ♪ek span al my seile voor die Heilige Gees, want waar hierdie wind my waai si presies waar ek moet wees ♪ (Translation: I set my sails before the Holy Spirit, because where this wind blows me is exactly where I should be)

“So then what are you waiting for” you ask. Well, I suppose I am scared. As much as I HATE to admit it, it’s true. Where do you start to enrol for a course or degree? This stuff is expensive. What if I suck at studying and fail? What if, what if, what if… What if I keep stalling and next thing I know I am an old lady on a veranda wishing I had done more.

Do you ever feel like this? What would you want to do if you had the chance?

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